Medical Matters

I have had a serious health scare recently. I was rushed to my nearest NHS hospital where I was actually pronounced dead! Luckily, I was transferred to a private hospital where my condition was upgraded to alive. They also had a very high standard of nursing care – I had all the girls charmed with my ready wit, of course. “Matron, is my leg up in plaster or am I just pleased to see you?”

I shouldn't grumble about the NHS, though. I remember when I was in the colonial service in Botswana and had to rely for medical care on a small facility run by a group of Belgian nuns. No flirting to be had there, it goes without saying. In fact I must say that I retain great respect for those women who, unlike so many in the fickle age in which we live, had taken a solemn vow of chastity and had kept that vow, just like their mothers and their mothers before them.

Energy Saving

Many people have asked for my advice on dealing with the current energy crisis. Well, here are my tips.

1. Drive downhill more often.

2. Reduce your winter fuel bills by spending the months between October and March in the Caribbean. I recommend Antigua. This winter you'll have the bonus opportunity to see England's touring cricket team!

3. Be managing director of B.P, Exxon or Shell. Even being president of Total would be alright if you can put up with the constant badgering from the human rights mob about your links to Burma.

4. Get one of those energy saving lightbulbs. Or some candles. And if you are cold have a cup of coffee and wear a pullover.

5. If you are female, marry an oil sheik or a Soccer player (my thanks to my old friend Silvio 'Il Duce' Berlusconi for that one)

6. Save electricity by using shorter, thinner wires.

That should sort out most of your problems. Don't worry – I don't charge for my advice!

The Appliance of Science

Some readers have contacted me to express surprise at my comparison between George Bush and a six year old girl who has had half her brain removed. I accept that I was probably being unfair to the little girl. However, it is true that a Bush is actually used by scientists as a standard unit of intelligence, although it is only really of use when describing the intelligence of infant children, lower primates, dogs, etc. A six year old child is roughly equivalent to 4 Bushes – although I was once introduced to a precocious little chap who had been rated at almost seven Bushes while aged just six and a half!

In fact, George is not the only person in public life who has leant his name to a scientific measurement. A Prescott is a negative measure of intelligibility. Amongst psychologists, the Clinton is now the accepted measure of shamelessness (the average adult human rates at around one twenty-fifth of a Clinton) while the Blair is used as the standard unit of sanctimoniousness, phoniness, cheesiness and hypocrisy.

It isn't just politicians who have leant their names to standard units, either. The Jackson is the accepted measurement of creepy inappropriateness while the Spears is used to denote degrees of extreme desperation.

Medical Matters

I read two very interesting medical stories today. One was about a little girl in America who has had half of her brain removed. She is now only twice as clever a George Bush. Luckily, doctors think that the remaining half will learn to take over all of the functions of the half they have removed so she will soon be back to the level of any other six year old child (that is to say approximately four George Bushes).

Then I read that over one quarter of adults in New York are infected with genital Herpes! This reminded me of the time when I had to visit my doctor on Harley Street with an embarrassing condition of my own – when he asked me what was wrong I said, 'My Love is like a red, red...well see for yourself, Doctor.'

I'm afraid I rather let myself down when he came to examine me. I was unable to help myself when the doctor approached me with a pair of rubber gloves and a tub of Vaseline and I cried out, 'Doctor, No!' Interestingly, Ian Fleming, who was being treated in the next cubicle used this as inspiration for his James Bond novel, Goldfinger.

Ever since that time I have done my best to patronize those brave and steadfast organizations which try to ease the stigma attached to the many conditions which remain taboo in polite society. Just last week, for instance, I opened a treatment centre for men who suffer from premature ejaculation. Actually, when I arrived there was nobody there as I had got my times wrong. The man at reception told me I had come too soon! Still, I find such occasions extremely rewarding - the most rewarding part was when they gave me my fee!

Big Fatsos

I am told that McDonald's, the American burger company some of you might have heard of, have announced excellent trading figures, proving that no matter how how bad the global economic position there are still enough fatsos in the world to support our favourite supplier of meat flavoured sandwiches. Surprisingly, they say this growth has been led by strong sales over here in the UK and in France. I can understand the latter. I mean, there are only so many centuries for which one can base one's national cuisine on horsemeat and various slippery invertebrates before even a McDonald's burger seems appetizing, but we British have plenty of deep-fried, cholesterol rich foodstuffs of our own without having to import inferior foreign versions.

To prove the point, I was reading in the Telegraph today about an 18 month old baby who weighs more than 2 stone because her mother feeds her entirely on good old British chips – for our American friends that means french fries. And good for her, I say. When I was a child I would have done anything for a change from my ration of snoek and spam. The mother claims not to be concerned that her baby weighs as much as a 4 year old. The child will, after all, be able to make a living by appearing on those 'documentaries' about the fattest person in the world and will therefore be able to get her diabetes, heart disease etc. treated privately rather than having to rely on the National Health Service. And if she were to contract one of those flesh eating viruses that our hospitals hand out as free gifts to their patients, the bug would have so much flesh to eat that it would become exhausted, thus solving another problem.

So farewell Hillary.....

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Well, Hillary has finally, just about, bowed to the inevitable and suspended her campaign for the Democratic nomination for President of the United States. That is, I believe, one of those irregular verbs at which politicians excel; I suspend my campaign, you run up the white flag, he (or she) humiliatingly bows to the inevitable.

It is a shame, really. She is a fine looking woman and her election would have been seminal moment in the history of the oval office – one to add to the many provided by her husband in that very room.

My niece, Tabby, worked at the white house for a while as an intern after she left university, where she met the great man. I asked her what he was like. “Cocky,” she replied, which was hardly news. She did tell me, however, that he enjoyed a good gossip. Apparently he had the worst tongue in Washington!

Oil Supply

I have received quite a lot of messages from people who are worried about the recent oil spill off Argentina. Well, I am happy to say that you don't need to worry. There is still plenty more oil where that came from!

Also in the Americas, Hillary is refusing to concede the election for Democratic nominee for the Presidency of the United States. One must admire her tenacity. But then it is not in the nature of a Clinton to withdraw, is it?

Meanwhile, back here in Britain, there has been some research that shows that we've become so bad at maths that it now costs the country £9 billion per year! This is shocking. When I left school in 1947 one couldn't matriculate without passing a proper exam in arithmetic. My goodness, can that really be forty nine years ago?

The Chap's not for Turning!

I was chatting a bit earlier with a friend of mine who is on the board at Bradford and Bingley – one of Britain's biggest mortgage lenders. He explained that the banks' current problems have nothing to do with irresponsible lending practices or high risk investment strategies. Reassured, I asked him for some free advice with what to do with a small amount of capital which I have happily found myself with thanks to a fortunate investment of my own – He considered this for a while and then recommend putting half of it on Sunny Jim in the 3.15 at Lingfield and put the rest on whatever dog is starting from trap 3 – trap 3 always wins!

Gordon Brown and his Home Secretary Jackie Smith, meanwhile, have been trying to convince their MPs to support their proposal to lock up people suspected of terrorism for 42 days without trial, 42 being the number you get when you multiply the number of pets Jackie had as a girl by the number of years Tony made Gordon wait to become Prime Minister minus the number you first thought of.

You have to admire Gordon's persistence in pushing through a measure that nobody wants and which will serve no discernible purpose. We shouldn't be surprised. Gordon doesn't know the meaning of the words “back down”. He also doesn't know the meaning of the words “electoral”, “liability” and “resign”. At least that places him several stages ahead of Gearge W. Bush, who doesn't know the meaning of the words “boat”, “cat” and “hatpin”.

Lady Collar's Handy Hints

Hello everyone. It is Lady Collar here. Bing has asked me to add a little colour to his blog by offering some advice on my own areas of expertice - and a jolly good thing too if you ask me. The finest of men, of course, (I did marry him, after all!) but he does rather have his head in the clouds and we all know that you sometimes need to speak to people on their own level, about things that they will recognize from their everyday, humdrum, insignificant little lives. We can't all be enormously successful politicians, journalists and businessmen, I always tell him. Every great man has someone standing behind him doing all of the real work - like Tony Blair had his Cherie and Hitler had his Eva Braun.


I thought I would start with a few tips from the kitchen. Now when I was a girl, cooking was easy. Irish cuisine involved taking something normal like bread and making it artery-cloggingly unhealthy by frying it. Scottish cuisine involved taking something that is already unhealthy, like a chocolate bar, and making it even more unhealthy by deep-frying it. English cuisine involved taking anything and boiling it until it becomes a tasteless mush – remember, as my husband would say, if you can count the carrots then they're not done yet. Traditional Welsh cuisine has always been mystery to us all.

Times have changed, of course, and now it is common to find many different dishes from around the world – all either fried, deep-fried or boiled to oblivion as above. Occasionally this works in reverse and you will take something traditional like blood pudding or battered tripe, and make it exotic by plastering it with curry sauce. That is what I recommend! Either that or order pizza!