The President Arrives

People often ask me what Government ministers do when they are not legislating, opening new rubbish dumps and watching pay-per-view pornography. Actually, I think the great scandal of the week – Jacqui Smith's husband's theft of the princely sum of £10.00 of public money for the purposes of entertaining himself while the missus was away – has been a little unfair. My nephew, Harry, who works for the Labour Party as an adviser, explained to me that it had simply been an oversight – Jacqui accidentally claimed for the TV bit of her bill instead of just the internet bit. Harry says that if Richard Timney, or Dick as Jacqui calls him, had got his porn online like everyone else then there wouldn't have been a problem!


As to what Ministers do when they are not doing any of the above, they attend international conferences. This provides numerous opportunities for meeting new people, drinking expensive wine and pretending to be important. This last is more easily achieved if you can convince crowds of protesters to turn up and wave banners at you. One of these events is due to happen this week in London, and Barak Obama will be coming to tell every one else what to do about the financial crisis. We will let him do this because he is not George W Bush. He will fly into Stanstead on the Presidential Aeroplane Air Force One, then on to London in the Presidential Helicopter Marine One, where he will have his lunch of the Presidential Dinner Plate Catering Corps One. Amongst his entourage will be a dedicated medical team and a supply of Presidential blood, in case he should be a victim of an assassination attempt. In the interests of saving money in these straightened times, any innocent bystanders injured in any such incident will be allowed to bleed to death. This is all in stark contrast to Gordon Brown, who has been travelling on his 'pre-G20 world tour' with nothing more than a crack team of eighty three PR men charged with trying to think up stories to distract everyone from his total lack of impact on anybody. He has been doing everything else himself and in he event that anyone thinks he is important enough to try to assassinate he will perform his own life-saving surgery with his home-made needle and thread. I shouldn't think he has too much to worry about, though, as all of the world's nutcases are too busy trying to find Fred Goodwin so they can bring about the end of capitalism and the emancipation of the world's oppressed by smashing his car window.

Incidentally, I understand that there is no truth in the rumour that Obama was initially reluctant to attend the conference and was finally persuaded only when offered the opportunity of a private meeting with Jonathan Ross to discuss ways of offending vulnerable people while broadcasting to the nation.

Following in the footsteps of Lionheart!

I have just returned from a visit to Beaumont Palace in Oxford, which is the birthplace of King Richard I, Coeur de Lion. Richard, you will remember, became embroiled in someone else's war in the Middle East and then bankrupted the country, two old English traditions which our current government proudly upholds to this day!

My American friends have been telling me about how their country has once again been following in the footsteps of the Motherland, which always gives me a warm feeling inside. They have enjoyed watching the public outrage about the massive bonuses that Britain's useless bankers have been awarding themselves and have decided to have a pogrom of their own. America's public enemy number one is AIG and the celebrity chat-show guest, 'Special' ten-pin bowler and occasional President Barak Obama has said that he will use 'all legal means' to get the bonuses paid back. To which all of America replies, 'All legal means?? Why stop there? Where's Dick Cheney when you need him? Cart the bastards off to Morocco for a bit of waterboarding and they'll soon pay it back!' My own advice to Barak would be to study the history books and take comfort from the true lesson of King Richard I. It doesn't matter if you spend your life in an endless round of futile battles, or if you wreck the country's finances and cripple its people with ruinous taxes, because in a few centuries you'll just be a minor character played half-heartedly by Sean Connery in a bad Kevin Costner movie with an awful theme song.

Gambling

I had the pleasure of attending the Carling Cup final at Wembley Stadium last week. Not to watch the football, naturally, but to show my support for the corporate entertainment industry at this difficult time. I did notice that one of the teams, Tottenham Hotspur, is sponsored by Mansion, which is a gambling company. The other team, Manchester Untied is sponsored by AIG, another gambling company and one which is now proudly owned by the American Taxpayer.
Gordon Brown himself made a trip to America to visit his ‘good friend’ Barak Obama and congratulate him on his new acquisition. I thought that Gordon’s speech to Congress went well for him as he had received nineteen standing ovations, and I said so to my nephew Harry, who works for the Labour Party. Harry was less impressed and explained that they had only applauded when Gordon said something nice about America. He says the same thing happens when a rock and roll band plays a concert and says that “insert name here is the best venue we’ve ever played!” This ruse is apparently enough to guarantee a big cheer. So well done to Gordon for being in touch enough to steal a trick from the popular music business!
The meeting with the President didn’t go quite as well with the President finding it difficult to remember who the rime Minister was, or why he was there. Downing Street have denied the rumour that Obama mixed Gordon up with the leader of the Scout Troop who he met on the same day. I must say I am a bit disappointed in the President – I mean, deep down we always knew that he knew and cared about the rest of the world little more than poor old George W. Bush but we thought that at least he would be able to fake an interest. We like phoney sincerity in Britain – that’s why we kept electing Tony Blair.

I was pleased to hear Gordon use the phrase, “Let us build tomorrow, today!” To let you into a little secret , I suggested the phrase to one of my friends in the Labour Party when he approached me for some ideas. Actually, I stole it from an old exhibition I went to on a visit to America back in the fifties. Back then they thought that the world of tomorrow would involve moon bases and Jetson style flying cars rather than a new Depression but there you go.

It wasn’t a very interesting trip, although I do remember visiting a lake called Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg in New England. Apparently, Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg, in the language of the Nipmuck People, means Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyll-llantysiliogogogoch.