The Nuclear Option

I spent a very pleasant lunchtime today with one of the few people in the country who is making any money. He works for British Energy, which is owned, naturally enough, by the French and which stands to benefit greatly from the UK government decision to build lots of new nuclear power stations. This is being sold as a way of fighting climate change but is really because we shall soon run out of power and will be reduced to the level of Burkina Faso or California.

He completely denies the more colourful rumours about the dangers of nuclear power. I asked him if it might be the case that living in proximity to a nuclear power station might increase he risk of infertility in men. “Bing,” he told me in a reassuring tone of voice, “I have spent my entire working life at Sellafield and Sizewell B and I can assure you that my testicles function as well as ever. All three of them.”

I was still a bit worried about the environmentalists. He wasn't concerned. In fact, he was quite pleased with himself over the cunning plan to pass this off as being environmentally friendly instead of being the harbinger of the apocalypse. And just in case the greens get all stroppy again they have a backup plan which involves putting windmills on the cooling towers, which will be able to power ever single emergency exit light in the plant for twelve hours per day so long as it is windy. They won't be able to argue with that!

The Truth is out There

Good News! The United Kingdom has made yet another invaluable contribution to humanity's exploration of Outer Space. Bravely ignoring the fact that that no trace of alien life has been found by anyone outside the American Midwest and Gloucestershire (which is the British equivalent), a scientist called Doctor John Elliott has convinced somebody to give him funding for his new Alien Language Translation programme. This will allow us to communicate with aliens, should they exist and should they even speak a language at all. Personally I think Dr Elliott might be wasting his time. If Aliens do arrive somewhere over our little island I can confidently predict that we will try to communicate with him/her/it by speaking slowly and loudly in English and expecting him/her/it to understand, in the time-honoured fashion.


I had a deeply disturbing shock when I spoke to one of my Irish friends today – I had telephoned to ask if he knew any good banks in which I might hide some of my money in an attempt to exploit the Irish Government's savings guarantee. He told me to pour a stiff drink and sit down before he told me his news – and how grateful I was for the warning! It turns out that Irish ministers have betrayed their counterparts around the world by voting to take a 10% pay cut! Yes, you did read that right. It is appalling. Or so I thought. It turns out that they have also massively increased tax rates on the rich, the poor and the middle classes so they'd probably never have seen that extra 10% anyway.


Before I go, I had an interesting request to support an important and consequential campaign – take a look. Proof, if it were needed, that the world's crackpots and wierdos aren't going to let the small matter of the end of capitalism distract them from what's really important!

Out of the Frying Pan

It has been another dodgy week for the economy. The only people who have made any money at all have been photographers taking pictures of despairing city traders.

I have been chatting this weekend to an old friend of mine who 'retired' from his banking job in the City last year, with an adequate pension and several useful little share options after a small piece of bad luck when his firm hired the last scrupulous accountant in London and the wretched man told the shareholders what was really going on. As it happens, he is an acquaintance of the newly minted Lord Myners, Minister for the City and, entirely coincidentally, donor to Gordon Brown's campaign to become leader of the Labour Party in an uncontested election. (I understand that Labour's election strategists are considering the slogan 'I can't believe its not Democracy!')

Anyway, my former banker chum has been filling me in on the gossip from the Prime Minister's new National Economic Council, also known as the real government of the UK. I understand that the first idea they considered, proposed by Labour's fundraising unit, was to raise additional capital for the banks by selling off seats in the House of Lords. This was rejected on the grounds that they've already sold so many of them that you can get one for a hundred quid down Camden Market, or twenty if you're prepared to make do with a shoddily made Vietnamese copy.

The next idea, proposed by keen football fan Alistair Darling, was to find a rich Arab, Indian or even Russian to take the country over in the manner of a Premier League football club, many of which have almost as much debt as the country. Alistair even proposed that the deal could be sweetened by changing the country's name slightly to Kingdom United – hardly anyone would even notice. You might think the idea of buying a country is silly but the USA once bought Alaska, and had they not then the world's last great superpower would have been deprived of the singer Jewel, the wolf-themed movie classic White Fang starring Ethan Hawke, and the comedy politician and power-abuser Sarah Palin. But this plan was scuppered too – somebody pointed out that if an Arab wanted to take over a country he could pick Iceland up for next to nothing. Plus it is tidier than Britain, it is getting bigger every year due to volcanic activity, and the women are both taller and blonder. Except for Bjork, who my PA Jemima tells me is a popular singer like Nana Mouskouri or Helen Shapiro.

Then, just as they were beginning to lose hope, they turned to the great man himself, Lord Myners. And so the greatest idea in modern British history was born. The banks got us into this mess by lending money they didn't have to people who couldn't pay it back. The government will get us out of this mess by lending money they don't have to banks who can't afford to pay it back. And so the circle of life is complete!

I asked my friend if he thought this plan would work. 'Of course,' he said, 'it certainly made me rich!'

It's that man again!

Gordon Brown has, in what can only be regarded as an act of genius (insane genius, perhaps but genius nonetheless) moved decisively to tackle the financial crisis. He says he wants to invent a new way of governing, apparently by replacing the elected government with an appointed one.


Spearheading this new dawn will be none other than Peter Mandelson. This has caused some surprise due to the well known animosity between the great man and the Prime Minister. They both acknowledged that they have 'had their ups and downs', in rather the same way that Stalin had his ups and downs with Hitler.


But, I hear you ask, how can Peter be brought back into government when he is no longer a Member of Parliament? Well, this small problem has been solved by making him into a peer of the realm in accordance with the old British tradition of ennobling failed politicians who the current leadership thinks it needs for some reason. This saves him the bother of getting elected and, as an additional bonus his seat in the House of Lords is, thanks to the Labour Party's far-sighted reforms, a salaried position. After all, who can get by on a mere Minister's salary these days? Especially when your chances of a nice directorship in the City are fading faster every day. They can't even afford to employ useful people anymore!


Lord Mandelson is, of course, uniquely qualified to deal with the current crisis, having once had to resign from government after lying on a mortgage application for a house he couldn't possibly afford.


Also elevated to the House of Lords and given a job in the government is a chap called Paul Myners. His qualification for a job in government is that he is the only person left in the country who has any money – he is the director of a hedge fund firm who have made a fortune at everybody else's expense by short selling shares in banks in a welcome demonstration to the rest of us of how to get by in hard times. He also gave £12700 to Gordon Brown's campaign to become leader of the Labour Party. Some might say that this was rather a large donation considering that there was no actual leadership election as Gordon was the only candidate, so you might think that Paul can't have needed to spend all that much. I hear that the chaps in the city were wondering if he might have lost his knack for making money. How wrong they were! Seats in government don't come cheap, you know! And even a seat in this government is more secure than a job in the City.


Incidentally, for those of you unfamiliar with aristocratic rank, a lord is somewhat lower than a prince but slightly higher than a prince of darkness, so in Peter's case that makes it a promotion.