Medical Matters

I read two very interesting medical stories today. One was about a little girl in America who has had half of her brain removed. She is now only twice as clever a George Bush. Luckily, doctors think that the remaining half will learn to take over all of the functions of the half they have removed so she will soon be back to the level of any other six year old child (that is to say approximately four George Bushes).

Then I read that over one quarter of adults in New York are infected with genital Herpes! This reminded me of the time when I had to visit my doctor on Harley Street with an embarrassing condition of my own – when he asked me what was wrong I said, 'My Love is like a red, red...well see for yourself, Doctor.'

I'm afraid I rather let myself down when he came to examine me. I was unable to help myself when the doctor approached me with a pair of rubber gloves and a tub of Vaseline and I cried out, 'Doctor, No!' Interestingly, Ian Fleming, who was being treated in the next cubicle used this as inspiration for his James Bond novel, Goldfinger.

Ever since that time I have done my best to patronize those brave and steadfast organizations which try to ease the stigma attached to the many conditions which remain taboo in polite society. Just last week, for instance, I opened a treatment centre for men who suffer from premature ejaculation. Actually, when I arrived there was nobody there as I had got my times wrong. The man at reception told me I had come too soon! Still, I find such occasions extremely rewarding - the most rewarding part was when they gave me my fee!