PR

I've been helping my old friend Max Moseley with his PR as he has been trying to recover from the recent very unfair criticism he has received from the press. He has given an interview to the Telegraph which I think will help a great deal. I told him to play up the family angle – they fell for it hook line and sinker, printing Max's accusation that the press had upset his family terribly by telling them about his kinky sex romps. Of course, in Max's words, if he hadn't done it then there would have been nothing for them to find out, but that's not the point. Max also raised the real scandal in all this – the fact that one of the prostitutes sold the tapes to the press – a shocking breach of trust, as Max pointed out in the interview. Who could imagine that a prostitute could possible do such a thing – for money!

Max did such a fine job that one can only contemplate with regret the fact that this upstanding man was denied the chance to follow his father into the world of politics just because of his family name - we are the poorer for it.

I've been offering advice to quite a few people in the public eye recently - Like the sports minister Gerry Sutcliffe who got into a bit of bother recently when he appeared to contradict government policy on Post Office closures. “No problem,” I told him, and I gave him a script which would get him off the hook. I was so proud of him as I heard him proclaim on the Radio that, “My comments did not accurately reflect my views.”

I'm thinking of branching out into America. That fine young chap Barak Obama doesn't need my help, though. He's already got the best slogan in politics, “Yes We Can”. I understand he borrowed it from Bob the Builder, although Bob's version was more specific about what it was that we can do, ie. Fix It. Maybe that's what the Senator is getting at – he's going for the Dubya school of electioneering. Or perhaps he is the new JFK!

We also heard the shocking news that John Prescott has suffered from Bulimia for 10 years. It is important that publications like this do not make jokes about this very serious subject. It is also unnecessary – you can all do your own!