Planes, Trains and so on

There has been a bit of fuss about the Government's approval of the expansion of Heathrow Airport in the face of mass protests by concerned citizens. Polls suggest that almost eighty percent of British celebrities who live near London are opposed to the measure. The minister responsible for pushing through the plan is Geoff Hoon, who did such a good job of improving the transport network of Iraq back in 2003 when he was Secretary of State for Defence. In a startling change of policy for the Labour Party, Geoff has attacked the celebrities and suggested that as they probably fly quite a lot they might be being a bit disingenuous. Emma Thompson responded by saying “This is not a campaign against flying - we're trying to stop the expansion of Heathrow in the face of climate change.” (Translation, “i'll still be able to fly, silly, just not all of those nasty poor people with their flights to Ibiza and their air rage. There wasn't any climate change when it was only the rich who could fly, after all.”) I found the exchange most illuminating and I must say that, looking demure but sexy in a green Chanel tweeded muslin suit, Geoff cut a fine figure – surely he is one of the finest Transport Secretaries we have ever had!

The problem of lack of capacity at our airports is one that taxes the finest minds in Britain. I suggested to an old friend of mine who currently has a reasonably well remunerated consultancy with the Civil Aviation Authority that we look at the latest idea from America, which involves landing in the middle of rivers. Apparently I had misunderstood a news story and the plane that landed in the Hudson River had actually crashed having been struck by geese. My friend told me about a rumour that the Department for Homeland Security had initially swung into action having received intelligence that one of the geese had a suspicious looking beard and that Koranic verses had been discovered in the glove compartment of the car left in long-term parking by three of the geese. Luckily the plan to deport all suspicious water fowl had not yet been announced when it was discovered that the 'Koranic verses' were in fact a menu from the local Bulgarian Kebab shop and the beard was a smudge on the CCTV screen so no harm was done!

The big news of the next week has already been decided, of course. Barak Obama is on his way to Washington, cleverly sending out reassuring signals to right wingers by travelling to the capital to take up office by train, just as Benito Mussolini did in 1922. He will be greeted by an enormous cheering crowd, just like, well, Mussolini. Many things have been written about the President-Elect in the past twelve months but I bet he hasn't been compared to many Italian Fascist dictators. Let's hope he doesn't invade Abysinnia.