Out of the Frying Pan

It has been another dodgy week for the economy. The only people who have made any money at all have been photographers taking pictures of despairing city traders.

I have been chatting this weekend to an old friend of mine who 'retired' from his banking job in the City last year, with an adequate pension and several useful little share options after a small piece of bad luck when his firm hired the last scrupulous accountant in London and the wretched man told the shareholders what was really going on. As it happens, he is an acquaintance of the newly minted Lord Myners, Minister for the City and, entirely coincidentally, donor to Gordon Brown's campaign to become leader of the Labour Party in an uncontested election. (I understand that Labour's election strategists are considering the slogan 'I can't believe its not Democracy!')

Anyway, my former banker chum has been filling me in on the gossip from the Prime Minister's new National Economic Council, also known as the real government of the UK. I understand that the first idea they considered, proposed by Labour's fundraising unit, was to raise additional capital for the banks by selling off seats in the House of Lords. This was rejected on the grounds that they've already sold so many of them that you can get one for a hundred quid down Camden Market, or twenty if you're prepared to make do with a shoddily made Vietnamese copy.

The next idea, proposed by keen football fan Alistair Darling, was to find a rich Arab, Indian or even Russian to take the country over in the manner of a Premier League football club, many of which have almost as much debt as the country. Alistair even proposed that the deal could be sweetened by changing the country's name slightly to Kingdom United – hardly anyone would even notice. You might think the idea of buying a country is silly but the USA once bought Alaska, and had they not then the world's last great superpower would have been deprived of the singer Jewel, the wolf-themed movie classic White Fang starring Ethan Hawke, and the comedy politician and power-abuser Sarah Palin. But this plan was scuppered too – somebody pointed out that if an Arab wanted to take over a country he could pick Iceland up for next to nothing. Plus it is tidier than Britain, it is getting bigger every year due to volcanic activity, and the women are both taller and blonder. Except for Bjork, who my PA Jemima tells me is a popular singer like Nana Mouskouri or Helen Shapiro.

Then, just as they were beginning to lose hope, they turned to the great man himself, Lord Myners. And so the greatest idea in modern British history was born. The banks got us into this mess by lending money they didn't have to people who couldn't pay it back. The government will get us out of this mess by lending money they don't have to banks who can't afford to pay it back. And so the circle of life is complete!

I asked my friend if he thought this plan would work. 'Of course,' he said, 'it certainly made me rich!'