Data

I see that the Ministry of Defence has had to admit to losing hundreds of computer disks, memory sticks and suchlike, the latest in a long line of data to be lost by the government. This is no bad thing. In my days at the Ministry it used to be only senior Civil Servants and Ministers who could read reports on the state of the nation's defences, intelligence reports on M.P.s and so forth, normally when we wanted to have a good laugh. Now, everyone who travels by train can help themselves! I recommend the 11.23 to Edinburgh, as this is where most government ministers live these days. Just last week I was able to peruse the Treasury's latest economic forecasts, written almost entirely in red ink, as well as a memory card on which I found Gordon Brown's plans for turning around his government's fortunes. Amazing how small they can make these devices, isn't it?

Max Mosely - Not a Nazi

My old friend Max Moseley has been continuing in his noble quest to prove that he is not a Nazi but rather just a pervert. One can only but wish him well. It really was most unfair of the News of the World to brand him a Nazi just because of one little sado-masochistic orgy with 5 leather-clad, German-speaking dominatrices. Frankly, one suspects that the newspaper branded Max a Nazi just because his parents were, well, Nazis. Luckily Max is as brave as Sir Oswald and Lady Diana in speaking up for what he believes in and, thanks to him, I predict that Britain will soon, once again, be a country in which a man of modest means will be free to have his head inspected for lice before being soundly caned by five prostitutes with the assurance that none of them will video the act and sell it to the papers.

On an unrelated topic, I have a another suggestion in my ongoing series of creative methods of coping with the credit crunch - learn German. It is a romantic language and, if you are female, preferably tall, blond and possessing child-bearing hips and a strong stomach, then there is good money to be made doing favours for respectable gentlemen. You even get to keep the leather jacket and cane!

On another unrelated topic, isn't it about time that small mustaches made a comeback?

It's a girl!

Another great achievement for the human race – A man, who is American, has given birth to a baby. I was rather disappointed to learn that the man was in fact a semi-transexual woman who has had what appears to be half a sex-change (the top half, for those of you who need me to draw a diagram). He/She has already appeared on the Oprah Winfrey Show and will now be writing a book. I am glad to see that even a sex change can not stop a mother from from caring above all about her money.., I mean child's welfare. Anyway, congratulations to you, sir and/or madam, on the birth of your new daughter (at least for now).

My successors as Members of Parliament, meanwhile, have been letting the side down again by voting to keep their apparently unlimited expenses on top of their salaries. I just can't understand why they feel the need. In my day if you wanted a nice house you just used your position to get yourself a few consultancies with ICI or BP – they'd give you all the money you want and all you'd have to do was look out for their interests in the House. These new politicians, on the other hand, seem to want to spend all their time hanging around television studios or, even worse, representing their constituents! Sometimes I wonder where it all went wrong.