History Repeating

We live in a terribly cynical age but I for one do not believe that McCain was merely trying to score points when he announced that he would be breaking off his campaign to work on the credit crisis. After all, he is old enough to remember the terrible consequences of that other great stock market crash, when the South Sea Bubble burst in 1720. You can see a young John pictured to the right.

Of course back then people got into trouble by thinking they could get rich through investing in companies that wanted to make guns that fired square cannonballs or buying up the Irish Bogs. There was even a company which convinced speculators to invest £2000 “For carrying on an undertaking of great advantage but nobody knows what it is.” So you can see that people in the eighteenth century made much more sensible investment decisions than those at the start of the twenty first. Of course the big difference is that back then the trouble started as a cunning plan to reduce government debt while this time we are trying to solve the problem by massively increasing government debt. The other difference of course is that back then hundreds of politicians lost their shirts while this time they have cleverly ensured that the taxpayer will carry the can. We've come a long way in three centuries!

The weeks events have had the effect of making the Chinese into the western world's main creditor and they have been celebrating this new status with their flashy new space program. This week they conducted their first ever spacewalk, boldly going where no man has gone for a couple of weeks, successfully dragging the country into the 1950s. Still, it's considerably more impressive than us Europeans. We've had to make do with a chap from Switzerland flying across the English Channel strapped to a jet powered ironing board. You can see him here!

As for myself, I enjoyed a small party at home. My PA Jemima offered to provide the entertainment – she she has been taking dancing lessons and wanted to show off what she had learned. I was a bit concerned when she told me she was going to do the dance of the seven voles. “Don't you mean veils?” I asked. “That's funny,” she replied, “That's just what the man in the pet shop said!” Mind you, I would love to know how she got those voles twirling in both directions at the same time!

It's a Rich Man's World

It's been a tough week in the city, and indeed on Wall Street and around the world, all summed up in the Financial Times' headline on Thursday, “We're all F*****d!!” However, I am happy to say that the worst is over.

I must say that it is very wise of the taxpayers on both sides of the Atlantic to bail out those poor chaps in the financial sector who have had such bad luck lately. After all, if it had not been for the generous lending practices of these great financial institutions many of those same taxpayers would never have had the experience of owning their own home, nor of having that home repossessed. Lending non-existent money to people who can't afford to pay you back may seem like criminal stupidity to the untrained eye but you must remember that bankers have their trophy wives to pay for and the bonuses one makes when one restricts oneself to sane practices just don't cut the mustard. One doesn't want to have to make do with a Filipino. Besides, if the banks go out of business then the government won't be able to borrow the money they need to prop up the banks! Then where would we be?

Some of the chaps have lost their jobs, though. We shouldn't feel too sorry for them, however. After all, they apparently were not very good at it and they will probably all be much happier following careers running whelk stalls, or in politics. The recruitment agencies have been busy – there was great excitement when a rumour went round that there may be one now former banker from Ireland who once successfully organized a piss up in the Guinness factory. Sadly, the story turned out to be apocryphal.

The Labour View - Trouble in Paradise

It has been a traumatic week in the Labour Party. Things cannot go on as before. Decisive action is called for. That is why some of us have grasped the nettle and taken the bull by the horns (not both at the same time, obviously) Already a number of senior figures have joined this bold move - like Joan Ryan and Barry Gardiner. I looked them up – apparently they are both in the Labour Party! Joan held the vitally important role of Gordon Brown's envoy to Cyprus (I hear she spent a very week there in 1976) and Barry was Gordon's forestry envoy, as he has a lovely apple tree in his back garden. Anyway, all of us are united in the belief that we need the party needs to act and we have decided on a course of action. We have written to the Party asking for nomination forms to be issued for an new election for the leadership in the hope of, um, provoking a debate over the future direction of the government or something like that. Hopefully one of the Party's big names like..oh what's he called..ah, yes, David Miliband will respond by throwing his hat into the ring. Incidentally, David has had some success recently in his quest to find someone who has heard of him. He has revealed that he had a lively exchange with the Russian foreign minister who accused him of having, “No F*****g idea about Russian History”. David was pleased, remarking that his Russian counterpart seems to know everything about him!

Not that our actions this week should be seen as an act of disloyalty. No! Gordon is a fine leader, one of the finest this country has ever been lucky enough to have. He has been badly let down, in my opinion, by the voters, who seem unable to appreciate his qualities. I suspect he is the victim of hidden racism against his Scottishness – he is just like Martin Luther King, really!

That said, my intervention has certainly struck a chord. My inbox is bulging. I have already received an e-mail from a T. Blair congratulating me and wishing me luck, one from a Mr. B. Obama wanting to know if I would be interested in hosting a neighbourhood fundraising coffee morning and one from a Mr. Bankole from Lagos offering me a large amount of money if I give him my bank details. I forwarded this last one to the Treasury – I think it could become the centrepiece of our new economic policy!