The Labour View - Trouble in Paradise

It has been a traumatic week in the Labour Party. Things cannot go on as before. Decisive action is called for. That is why some of us have grasped the nettle and taken the bull by the horns (not both at the same time, obviously) Already a number of senior figures have joined this bold move - like Joan Ryan and Barry Gardiner. I looked them up – apparently they are both in the Labour Party! Joan held the vitally important role of Gordon Brown's envoy to Cyprus (I hear she spent a very week there in 1976) and Barry was Gordon's forestry envoy, as he has a lovely apple tree in his back garden. Anyway, all of us are united in the belief that we need the party needs to act and we have decided on a course of action. We have written to the Party asking for nomination forms to be issued for an new election for the leadership in the hope of, um, provoking a debate over the future direction of the government or something like that. Hopefully one of the Party's big names like..oh what's he called..ah, yes, David Miliband will respond by throwing his hat into the ring. Incidentally, David has had some success recently in his quest to find someone who has heard of him. He has revealed that he had a lively exchange with the Russian foreign minister who accused him of having, “No F*****g idea about Russian History”. David was pleased, remarking that his Russian counterpart seems to know everything about him!

Not that our actions this week should be seen as an act of disloyalty. No! Gordon is a fine leader, one of the finest this country has ever been lucky enough to have. He has been badly let down, in my opinion, by the voters, who seem unable to appreciate his qualities. I suspect he is the victim of hidden racism against his Scottishness – he is just like Martin Luther King, really!

That said, my intervention has certainly struck a chord. My inbox is bulging. I have already received an e-mail from a T. Blair congratulating me and wishing me luck, one from a Mr. B. Obama wanting to know if I would be interested in hosting a neighbourhood fundraising coffee morning and one from a Mr. Bankole from Lagos offering me a large amount of money if I give him my bank details. I forwarded this last one to the Treasury – I think it could become the centrepiece of our new economic policy!

Proper Jobs

I was talking the other day to a friend of mine who owns a recruitment company. He was telling me that he had been contacted by a local council who wanted to recruit something called an Education Centre Nourishment Production Assistant. This turned out to mean a dinner lady at a local school. Really! In the old days people had proper jobs like Miner, Engineer and Lord Privy Seal! No wonder the country is such a mess!

Meanwhile, I see Gordon Brown has been doing his bit for the McCain campaign by giving Senator Obama the kiss of death by praising him in a magazine article. Obama immediately protested about Brown's intervention and insisted that Gordon issue a statement of support for John McCain. I telephoned an old friend of mine in New York to ask him what he made of this. He said, 'Gordon who?'

I also noticed an interesting story from Morocco where a chap has been jailed for writing in a blog criticizing the king. As if this were not bad enough, another Moroccan is languishing in prison having set up a facebook profile, whatever that is, in the name of one of the King's brothers. Imagine, someone being dishonest enough to impersonate a dignitary on the internet in this way! Appalling! It would never happen in this country!

One thing we have learned this week, though, is that you can put lipstick on a pig but it will still be a pig. Except that it will be considerably more attractive and capable of achieving high political office!

Hope from the Frontier!

Since American politics went all Monty Python last week, I hear that the Labour Party have been busily trying to copy John McCain's masterstroke in bringing in Sarah Palin to liven up his campaign. Harriet Harman has, apparently, booked snowmobile lessons, Hazel Blears has been seen toting a massive sub machine gun around the Department for Communities, whatever that is, and I hear that Dawn Primarolo has renamed her children Avenue, Handbag and Cat-flap, all in imitation of the Alaskan Wonder. They've also sent a delegation to the Shetland Islands after hearing about a fundamentalist gun-nut who came second in the Miss Lerwick contest in 1978 and who only wears clothes that she has trapped herself, hoping to offer her the Deputy Prime Minister's position. She turned out to be a Scottish Nationalist and told them to get stuffed.

I was reading today about the disgrace that has fallen upon my Alma Mater, Harrow school, who have had to expel their head boy for drug taking. This would certainly never have happened in my day. No! One might Tolley up before Trials, spend extra time in the Ducker trying to get into Torpids or wear one's Bluers, Greyers and Dossers but one would never want to make the school look foolish in this way! Besides, how would you know what the hell everyone was talking about if you were off your face?

I was discussing this the other day with an old school chum called Oliver who went into Advertising, although he is now celebrating the tenth anniversary of his lucrative early retirement. I asked him what he though of the state of his old industry; not much, as it turned out. As evidence of its decline, he offered the following example. Pizza express had a recent campaign which claimed that, “nothing says I love you like a pizza” - Oliver says he once meet a man who claimed that he had taught his dog to say “I love you” and frankly that had impressed him rather more. I disagreed with him. My PA Jemima says that she had a delightful evening last Valentines day when her boyfriend, having seen this advert, took her to Pizza Express and offered her a meat feast!