Lordy Lordy!

We have had an amusing new political scandal this week when several 'Lords' were recorded offering to change legislation for a fee. The criticism struck me as unfair. Now that the last three factories in Britain have closed and nobody wants our 'financial services,' as we still laughingly call our unrivalled expertise in crap money-making schemes, laws are the only thing we've got left to sell!

Meanwhile, the man who did such a good job of reforming our House of 'Lords' and who is now bringing that same expertise to bear on the Middle East peace process with equally impressive results has made a welcome return to the public eye. Yes, Tony Blair is back and he has been explaining how he is just like Barak Obama. The whole of America is praying that he is a wrong about this as he was about everything else. Tony has also been talking about his 'governance projects' in Sierra Leone and Rwanda which, presumably, seek to show the people of those countries why appointing corrupt legislators who will sell policy to the highest bidder is better than relying on boring old democracy to get things done.

The Blame Game

The Government has been coming down hard on the Bankers this week. Gordon Brown has said how angry he is at poor old Freddie Goodwin who has carried the can for the collapse of Royal Bank of Scotland, and 'Lord' Paul Myners, who is minister for the City has been slagging off 'grossly over-rewarded bankers' for mismanaging their banks. Former grossly over-rewarded banker Paul, I am told, came to this view in consultation with his ministerial colleagues, former grossly over-rewarded banker Mervyn Davies and former grossly over-rewarded banker Baroness Vadera, so I think we can trust him. It all comes as the statistics say that we have officially sunk into recession and the pound is approaching parity with the Hungarian Forint on the international currency markets.

But we should not be downhearted, for our great nation still has much to be proud of. We lead the way in developing the New Economy, where the danger of rich bankers taking silly risks in search of massive bonuses is safely negated because the taxpayer covers all the money they lose, and where the terrible spectre of massed ranks of unemployed bankers queuing at the soup kitchen will concern us no more as they will all be employed as Government Ministers. My spies in Downing Street tell me that he has already been on the phone to Barak Obama to tell the new President all about his new model. Let's hope the new President follows the wise old Scotsman's advice, eh?

And that's not all. We have a rapidly growing burglary sector, our Jobcentres and benefit offices can hardly keep up with demand and we lead the world in natural breasts, thanks to the efforts of Kate Winslett and her magnificent hits, Revolutionary Road and The Reader. My wife is a big fan of Kate's. She has followed that fine actress' career ever since she appeared in Sense and Sensibility. Lady Collar has always loved nineteenth century novels. I remember the days after we were married; she liked nothing better than to be tucked up in bed holding a little Hardy and she tells me that before we met she liked nothing better than getting stuck into Nicholas Nickleby or the Mayor of Casterbridge.

Planes, Trains and so on

There has been a bit of fuss about the Government's approval of the expansion of Heathrow Airport in the face of mass protests by concerned citizens. Polls suggest that almost eighty percent of British celebrities who live near London are opposed to the measure. The minister responsible for pushing through the plan is Geoff Hoon, who did such a good job of improving the transport network of Iraq back in 2003 when he was Secretary of State for Defence. In a startling change of policy for the Labour Party, Geoff has attacked the celebrities and suggested that as they probably fly quite a lot they might be being a bit disingenuous. Emma Thompson responded by saying “This is not a campaign against flying - we're trying to stop the expansion of Heathrow in the face of climate change.” (Translation, “i'll still be able to fly, silly, just not all of those nasty poor people with their flights to Ibiza and their air rage. There wasn't any climate change when it was only the rich who could fly, after all.”) I found the exchange most illuminating and I must say that, looking demure but sexy in a green Chanel tweeded muslin suit, Geoff cut a fine figure – surely he is one of the finest Transport Secretaries we have ever had!

The problem of lack of capacity at our airports is one that taxes the finest minds in Britain. I suggested to an old friend of mine who currently has a reasonably well remunerated consultancy with the Civil Aviation Authority that we look at the latest idea from America, which involves landing in the middle of rivers. Apparently I had misunderstood a news story and the plane that landed in the Hudson River had actually crashed having been struck by geese. My friend told me about a rumour that the Department for Homeland Security had initially swung into action having received intelligence that one of the geese had a suspicious looking beard and that Koranic verses had been discovered in the glove compartment of the car left in long-term parking by three of the geese. Luckily the plan to deport all suspicious water fowl had not yet been announced when it was discovered that the 'Koranic verses' were in fact a menu from the local Bulgarian Kebab shop and the beard was a smudge on the CCTV screen so no harm was done!

The big news of the next week has already been decided, of course. Barak Obama is on his way to Washington, cleverly sending out reassuring signals to right wingers by travelling to the capital to take up office by train, just as Benito Mussolini did in 1922. He will be greeted by an enormous cheering crowd, just like, well, Mussolini. Many things have been written about the President-Elect in the past twelve months but I bet he hasn't been compared to many Italian Fascist dictators. Let's hope he doesn't invade Abysinnia.

1950 here we come!

It's been an interesting start to 1947, I mean 2009. We've had massive nationalization of large sections of the economy, Keynes is back in fashion, governments are printing money, no one can afford to heat their homes and the Israelis are fighting with the previous owners again, following the logic that there would be little point of corralling the entire population of southern Palestine into the tiny space of Gaza if you are just going to let them fire rockets at their former homes whenever they feel like it. The President-Elect of America has promised to sort it all out just as soon as he is inaugurated (translation: he doesn't know what to do and hopes to God that by then the Israelis will have finished so he won't have to decide.) The only aspect of the good old days that has been missing was an antediluvian racist outburst from a member of the Royal Family. Even Prince Philip had lapsed into the occasional unamusing aside about fat children. So thank goodness that Prince Harry is both stupid enough to use racist language about one of his mates and also stupid enough to video it, lose the video and then see it sold to the News of the World.Finally the world is as it is supposed to be!

Amusingly, the news has broken that Barbie was created by a sex-maniac called Jack Ryan. This has come as a surprise, although not to anyone who has ever seen one of them. Apparently Jack particularly enjoyed the fact that the woman who provided the voice of a line of talking Barbies was tall because it meant that he could bury his head in her breasts when he hugged her. I remember buying one of those for my little granddaughter – I always wondered why it kept threatening to sue me for sexual harassment.

Looking into my Crystal Balls - Predictions for 2009

Many people have asked me to provide my predictions for the year ahead. This isn't something I would normally do, the prediction industry being, in my opinion, a load of hokum. This is especially true of astrology - I am very skeptical. Typical Capricorn. However, I have given in to the demands so here you go.

Barak Obama will publish his new book, “The Effrontery of Daydreams”. Hillary Clinton will release her own book, “Why the Secretary of State is more important than the President and other stories”. George Bush will publish his memoirs, “My Head Hurts – Global Leadership in the 21st Century”.

England will win the Ashes. South Africans everywhere will shrug and mutter about two bald men fighting over a comb.

John McCain will inaugurate the Failed Fighter Pilots of America Association and become its first President.

Madonna’s post mid-life crisis will be ended by her shattered pelvis.

Turkey will award Israel null points in the Eurovision Song Contest. Israel will retaliate by bombing the hell out of Ankara. The U.K. will come last in the Eurovision contest. Several people will be a bit upset.

All of the remaining unemployed bankers in Britain and America will be given jobs advising their government s on how to resolve the economic crisis. All of their advice will involve borrowing stacks of money that we can’t afford to pay back.

The Obama Presidency will be derailed by constant questions about whether Hillary Clinton’s effectiveness is being undermined by the revelations about Bill’s relationship with that intern at the State Department, the Washington correspondent of Al Jazeera and the Mexican girl who does the laundry. Hillary will blame a vast right-wing conspiracy even though there will be only 13 conservatives left in America.

The England football team will win a few more games. The press will declare it the greatest football team of all time.