Great Political Leadership

I see that nice Barak Obama has been in Britain hoping that some of the Gordon Brown magic will rub off on him. They had a two hour meeting in which Gordon treated the young Senator to a run down of his greatest achievements as head of government. The pictures released afterwards displayed Barak's remarkable ability to keep a straight face – a quality that him will serve him well if he wins the presidency and has to be polite to George Bush in public. In the interests of political impartiality, Barak was careful to acknowledge all of Britains national political parties. His visit was split into three parts. There was the Labour visit, the Conservative visit, and tea and biscuits.

The Labour Party have, while all this has been going on, been running the rule over prospective new leaders, still convinced that they are not really unpopular at all, it is just Gordon Brown's fault. They are trying to think of ways to get Gordon to resign. Plan number one appears to be to get Geoff Hoon to tell him he should leave. Once Gordon has remembered who Geoff Hoon is, he would listen to Geoff's message that only a great statesman such as Gordon would have the courage to stand down in the interests of party and country, following those great wartime leaders, Neville Chamberlain and Anthony Eden. They would then be able to draw a veil over the whole Brown leadership, assuming Jack Straw doesn't object. Jack is, in fact, seen in some quarters as the energetic young leader that the country needs (John McCain is said to be watching the situation closely, although he suspects that, at 61, Jack might benefit from another thirty years experience just to make sure he's ready). The other option is Alan Johnson – a man who is such a charismatic natural leader that he came second in the race to replace John Prescott! Go on Labour Party, I dare you!

Awkward Questions

Children ask the most awkward questions, don't they. I was watching the news at lunchtime with my little grand-nephew – they were reporting on Radovan Karadzic's welcome arrest. He asked me, “Why is that man disguised as Santa Claus?” An excellent question, I thought. I assume it is because he intends to defend himself and, as he will be incarcerated and will not have the opportunity to purchase a barrister's wig and presumably intends to weave one out of beard hair.

The little chap then asked me why old men wear their trousers higher than younger men, which was a bit close to home. Not to mention the armpits. It is true though...I have an uncle who has to breathe through his flies.

Then he asked me why people tie tin cans to newlywed's cars? I explained that this was because it causes a fuss when they tie them to hearses.

Grown ups ask much more sensible ones. To illustrate the point, a friend of mine asked me the other day why women don't faint as much as they used too. That one was easy. I said it was because it isn't as big as it used to be!

Too much of a good thing?

In the Telegraph on Sunday there was a piece headlined “Heroin, crack and Prada shoes”. I was surprised. I had thought that the Tory Party conference wasn't due to start until October! Reading on I discovered that I had been mistaken. It was instead a heart-rending exploration of the problems experienced by rich drug addicts. These tortured souls are much worse off than than their counterparts on the country's inner city estates, the article explained. Apparently this is because the poor either run out of money or get put in prison before they die. The rich are doomed to snort, smoke and inject themselves into oblivion without once benefiting from the advantages of a spell sleeping in somebody's doorway to get them back on the straight and narrow. How gratifying to see the liberal media for once acknowledging the problems of being rich!

Data

I see that the Ministry of Defence has had to admit to losing hundreds of computer disks, memory sticks and suchlike, the latest in a long line of data to be lost by the government. This is no bad thing. In my days at the Ministry it used to be only senior Civil Servants and Ministers who could read reports on the state of the nation's defences, intelligence reports on M.P.s and so forth, normally when we wanted to have a good laugh. Now, everyone who travels by train can help themselves! I recommend the 11.23 to Edinburgh, as this is where most government ministers live these days. Just last week I was able to peruse the Treasury's latest economic forecasts, written almost entirely in red ink, as well as a memory card on which I found Gordon Brown's plans for turning around his government's fortunes. Amazing how small they can make these devices, isn't it?

Max Mosely - Not a Nazi

My old friend Max Moseley has been continuing in his noble quest to prove that he is not a Nazi but rather just a pervert. One can only but wish him well. It really was most unfair of the News of the World to brand him a Nazi just because of one little sado-masochistic orgy with 5 leather-clad, German-speaking dominatrices. Frankly, one suspects that the newspaper branded Max a Nazi just because his parents were, well, Nazis. Luckily Max is as brave as Sir Oswald and Lady Diana in speaking up for what he believes in and, thanks to him, I predict that Britain will soon, once again, be a country in which a man of modest means will be free to have his head inspected for lice before being soundly caned by five prostitutes with the assurance that none of them will video the act and sell it to the papers.

On an unrelated topic, I have a another suggestion in my ongoing series of creative methods of coping with the credit crunch - learn German. It is a romantic language and, if you are female, preferably tall, blond and possessing child-bearing hips and a strong stomach, then there is good money to be made doing favours for respectable gentlemen. You even get to keep the leather jacket and cane!

On another unrelated topic, isn't it about time that small mustaches made a comeback?

It's a girl!

Another great achievement for the human race – A man, who is American, has given birth to a baby. I was rather disappointed to learn that the man was in fact a semi-transexual woman who has had what appears to be half a sex-change (the top half, for those of you who need me to draw a diagram). He/She has already appeared on the Oprah Winfrey Show and will now be writing a book. I am glad to see that even a sex change can not stop a mother from from caring above all about her money.., I mean child's welfare. Anyway, congratulations to you, sir and/or madam, on the birth of your new daughter (at least for now).

My successors as Members of Parliament, meanwhile, have been letting the side down again by voting to keep their apparently unlimited expenses on top of their salaries. I just can't understand why they feel the need. In my day if you wanted a nice house you just used your position to get yourself a few consultancies with ICI or BP – they'd give you all the money you want and all you'd have to do was look out for their interests in the House. These new politicians, on the other hand, seem to want to spend all their time hanging around television studios or, even worse, representing their constituents! Sometimes I wonder where it all went wrong.