tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-50161020738184248772023-11-16T02:39:47.505-08:00Sir Bingham's WisdomWelcome, friends! As I travel up and down this great land of ours people often tell me that they have come to miss my many wise observations on the great issues of the day. And so, not wanting to let down the people to whom I have devoted my life of service, I have embraced the digital age! So read on and learn!
Sir Bingham Collar KBE.Sir Bingham Collarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06228571645088611942noreply@blogger.comBlogger81125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5016102073818424877.post-17376688579465348092009-04-27T13:34:00.000-07:002009-04-27T13:36:40.177-07:00It's time to panic!<span style="font-size:130%;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">Disaster! The recession has finally hit home in Britain and the nation is united in its sympathy for the greatest victims of them all – the billionaires. The <a href="http://business.timesonline.co.uk/tol/business/specials/rich_list/article6169048.ece">Sunday Times</a> have revealed that those poor people have lost £155 billion between them, so you can see why they are so annoyed at having to pay higher income tax. I'm told that one, Peter Hargraves, who made his money and, no doubt, his own personal contribution to the bankrupting of the British economy, as a fund manager in the City during the boom, has threatened to go and live in the Isle of Man to avoid his new tax bill. Protesters are reported to be rioting on the streets of Douglass as I write. There is no truth in the rumour that a disabled former soldier has been running the London Marathon to raise the money to buy him his ticket.</span><br /><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">On a lighter note, the Budget! I have discovered why Alistair Darlings growth projections and GDP forecasts were so far off what everyone else said. It seems that he has been using the wrong type of tea – when one is trying to predict the future, one should use darjeeling and not tetley.</span></span>Sir Bingham Collarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06228571645088611942noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5016102073818424877.post-2770326667955396882009-04-22T13:17:00.000-07:002009-04-22T13:23:46.714-07:00The Budget Explained<span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);font-size:130%;" >That nice young chap Alistair Darling has delivered his Budget, managing to do so while keeping a straight face which was quite impressive. Well, drawing on my own extensive experience of such announcements, I offer my translation of what he had to say....
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<br />“We will introduce a new 50% top rate of tax for people who earn £150,000 a year”......this is a clever move to get gullible journalists to write headlines like <a href="http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2009/apr/22/budget-2009-darling-tax-recession">this</a>, <a href="http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/top-stories/2009/04/22/has-alistair-darling-s-budget-2009-made-him-the-robin-hood-of-politics-115875-21297587/">this </a>and <a href="http://todayinpolitics.independentminds.livejournal.com/21910.html">this </a>which say that only the rich will pay for the ghastly amount of borrowing that we're announcing. No one will notice that it will only raise a teensy fraction of the money needed and that the poor will pay all the rest...at least not until after the election. I personally am not worried about this, incidentally. Anyone who is stupid enough not to take their money in stocks so that they don't have to pay any income tax at all doesn't deserve 150 grand a year!
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<br /></span><meta equiv="CONTENT-TYPE" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"><title></title><meta name="GENERATOR" content="OpenOffice.org 2.4 (Win32)"><style type="text/css"> <!-- @page { size: 21cm 29.7cm; margin: 2cm } P { margin-bottom: 0.21cm } --> </style> <p style="margin-bottom: 0cm; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="font-size:130%;">“All under 25s who have been out of work for a year will be offered a job or training”.....We'll bung them on a course where they'll get a worthless NVQ. Hopefully this will be so unattractive that they'll claim disability and that'll get them off the jobless statistics.</span></p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0cm; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="font-size:130%;">
<br /></span> </p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0cm; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="font-size:130%;">“You can't cut your way out of a recession!”....We're going to try to scare everyone into thinking that the Tories will close their local hospital to save money. We'll cut spending to ribbons but only after the election.</span></p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0cm; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="font-size:130%;">“Alcohol duty will rise by 2%”....Drunks won't notice</span></p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0cm; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51);font-size:130%;" >“<span style="font-family:Times New Roman,serif;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="">Duty on tobacco will rise by 2%”....Smokers won't be able to help themselves.</span></span></span></span></p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0cm; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51);font-size:130%;" >“<span style="font-family:Times New Roman,serif;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="">Fuel Duty will rise by 2%”.....if you say it quickly no-one will notice that this will actually raise as is supposed to be raised by that new tax on the rich.</span></span></span></span></p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0cm; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51);font-size:130%;" >“<span style="font-family:Times New Roman,serif;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="">The annual ISA limit will increase from £7,200 to £10,200”.....no-one has that much money in the bank anymore anyway</span></span></span></span></p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0cm; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51);font-size:130%;" >“<span style="font-family:Times New Roman,serif;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="">The economy will grow at 1.5% in 2010 and over 3% per year after that”.....It won't</span></span></span></span></p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0cm; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51);font-size:130%;" >“<span style="font-family:Times New Roman,serif;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="">The Budget deficit will be £175billion this year”.....You're f***ed, we're f***ed, everyone is f***ing f***ed.</span></span></span></span></p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0cm; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style=";font-family:Times New Roman,serif;font-size:130%;" ><span style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51);"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="">I also notice that the Treasury have had a great new idea for how to keep bankers off the dole queue. They will now be modestly remunerated for selling all the extra government debt which is necessary to bale out those selfsame bankers. And so the circle of life is complete.</span></span></span></span></p>
<br />Sir Bingham Collarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06228571645088611942noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5016102073818424877.post-76682020880094714812009-04-05T12:25:00.000-07:002009-04-05T12:30:46.592-07:00Gordon Saves the Day...Again!<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQBOLgRjzgyMuX4S_J2CMlppqL4N8acCAmS4v14Zx49U6I4RRd50Z4k8qwqF-HdUBmhY9m9dNpguaB_n46obulH0ABE49kufLp23FF1-gZ8Nc3W4EcdhM2HySusXSGOmEiSWHTP8SVKxq-/s1600-h/obama+death+grip.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 300px; height: 258px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQBOLgRjzgyMuX4S_J2CMlppqL4N8acCAmS4v14Zx49U6I4RRd50Z4k8qwqF-HdUBmhY9m9dNpguaB_n46obulH0ABE49kufLp23FF1-gZ8Nc3W4EcdhM2HySusXSGOmEiSWHTP8SVKxq-/s320/obama+death+grip.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5321291931484351170" border="0" /></a>
<br /><meta equiv="CONTENT-TYPE" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"><title></title><meta name="GENERATOR" content="OpenOffice.org 2.4 (Win32)"><style type="text/css"> <!-- @page { size: 21cm 29.7cm; margin: 2cm } P { margin-bottom: 0.21cm } --> </style> <p style="margin-bottom: 0cm; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="font-size:130%;">It has been a reassuring week. The G20 summit didn't actually achieve anything, of course, but it's nice to know that a big show with enormously rich and important people slapping each other on the back and <a href="http://www.telegraph.co.uk/finance/financetopics/g20-summit/5099649/Queen-is-not-amused-by-Berlusconi-gaffe.html">annoying the Queen</a> is still enough to distract everyone from the important matters of the day! The Security operation surrounding the Summit cost £7million – about enough to pay Jackie Smith's expenses for almost three months – and amounts to a valuable fiscal stimulus for the red carpet industry.</span></p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0cm; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="font-size:130%;">
<br /></span> </p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0cm; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="font-size:130%;">The circus then decamped to Strasbourg for the NATO summit, which welcomed the military giants of Albania to the alliance and at which Barak Obama demonstrated the American's new secret weapon which is based on the Vulcan death-grip – you can see the demonstration in the picture above. The Albanians were, I hear, very impressed.</span></p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0cm; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="font-size:130%;">
<br /></span> </p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0cm; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="font-size:130%;">And there was exciting news from the European Space programme in its continuing efforts to catch up with the North Koreans. They will be attempting to find new planets using the <a href="http://www.eso.org/public/astronomy/projects/e-elt.html">European Extremely Large Telescope</a> – I hear that they were up all night trying to think of a name. The telescope will feature a mirror the size of five buses. British scientists are, as always, keen to participate, and have offered to provide the buses so that the others can measure the device! </span></p> Sir Bingham Collarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06228571645088611942noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5016102073818424877.post-33061719140368645472009-03-29T09:46:00.000-07:002009-03-29T10:02:25.101-07:00The President Arrives<span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);font-size:130%;" >People often ask me what Government ministers do when they are not legislating, opening new rubbish dumps and watching pay-per-view pornography. Actually, I think the great scandal of the week – Jacqui Smith's husband's theft of the princely sum of £10.00 of public money for the purposes of entertaining himself while the missus was away – has been a little unfair. My nephew, Harry, who works for the Labour Party as an adviser, explained to me that it had simply been an oversight – Jacqui accidentally claimed for the TV bit of her bill instead of just the internet bit. Harry says that if Richard Timney, or Dick as Jacqui calls him, had got his porn online like everyone else then there wouldn't have been a problem!<br /><br /><br />As to what Ministers do when they are not doing any of the above, they attend international conferences. This provides numerous opportunities for meeting new people, drinking expensive wine and pretending to be important. This last is more easily achieved if you can convince crowds of protesters to turn up and wave banners at you. One of these events is due to happen this week in London, and Barak Obama will be coming to tell every one else what to do about the financial crisis. We will let him do this because he is not George W Bush. He will fly into Stanstead on the Presidential Aeroplane Air Force One, then on to London in the Presidential Helicopter Marine One, where he will have his lunch of the Presidential Dinner Plate Catering Corps One. Amongst his entourage will be a dedicated medical team and a supply of Presidential blood, in case he should be a victim of an assassination attempt. In the interests of saving money in these straightened times, any innocent bystanders injured in any such incident will be allowed to bleed to death. This is all in stark contrast to Gordon Brown, who has been travelling on his 'pre-G20 world tour' with nothing more than a crack team of eighty three PR men charged with trying to think up stories to distract everyone from his total lack of impact on anybody. He has been doing everything else himself and in he event that anyone thinks he is important enough to try to assassinate he will perform his own life-saving surgery with his home-made needle and thread. I shouldn't think he has too much to worry about, though, as all of the world's nutcases are too busy trying to find Fred Goodwin so they can bring about the end of capitalism and the emancipation of the world's oppressed by smashing his car window.<br /><br />Incidentally, I understand that there is no truth in the rumour that Obama was initially reluctant to attend the conference and was finally persuaded only when offered the opportunity of a private meeting with Jonathan Ross to discuss ways of offending vulnerable people while broadcasting to the nation.<br /></span>Sir Bingham Collarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06228571645088611942noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5016102073818424877.post-63424213492599830302009-03-21T14:22:00.000-07:002009-03-21T14:56:10.192-07:00Following in the footsteps of Lionheart!<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyCEhyphenhyphenhsvuDX-GZIfyp2QQYTaQk0sAoDISyxE7CK7fkbrLASNp-Q-_QjyU7yManPlCPdLluUpLITMWfjvVSM8wQrNRxqfKuABIsyNrNVZbSwWyv9jG_IBnLOtlq-ekkmC-_-Y7GWMDj53P/s1600-h/richard+I.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 250px; height: 297px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyCEhyphenhyphenhsvuDX-GZIfyp2QQYTaQk0sAoDISyxE7CK7fkbrLASNp-Q-_QjyU7yManPlCPdLluUpLITMWfjvVSM8wQrNRxqfKuABIsyNrNVZbSwWyv9jG_IBnLOtlq-ekkmC-_-Y7GWMDj53P/s320/richard+I.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5315762640878512546" border="0" /></a>
<br /><meta equiv="CONTENT-TYPE" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"><title></title><meta name="GENERATOR" content="OpenOffice.org 2.4 (Win32)"><style type="text/css"> <!-- @page { size: 21cm 29.7cm; margin: 2cm } P { margin-bottom: 0.21cm } --> </style> <p style="margin-bottom: 0cm; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="font-size:130%;">I have just returned from a visit to Beaumont Palace in Oxford, which is the birthplace of King Richard I, Coeur de Lion. Richard, you will remember, became embroiled in someone else's war in the Middle East and then bankrupted the country, two old English traditions which our current government proudly upholds to this day!</span></p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0cm; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="font-size:130%;">
<br /></span></p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);font-size:130%;" >My American friends have been telling me about how their country has once again been following in the footsteps of the Motherland, which always gives me a warm feeling inside. They have enjoyed watching the public outrage about the massive bonuses that Britain's useless bankers have been awarding themselves and have decided to have a pogrom of their own. America's public enemy number one is AIG and the celebrity chat-show guest, 'Special' ten-pin bowler and occasional President Barak Obama has said that he will use 'all legal means' to get the bonuses paid back. To which all of America replies, 'All legal means?? Why stop there? Where's Dick Cheney when you need him? Cart the bastards off to Morocco for a bit of waterboarding and they'll soon pay it back!' My own advice to Barak would be to study the history books and take comfort from the true lesson of King Richard I. It doesn't matter if you spend your life in an endless round of futile battles, or if you wreck the country's finances and cripple its people with ruinous taxes, because in a few centuries you'll just be a minor character played half-heartedly by Sean Connery in a bad Kevin Costner movie with an awful theme song.</span>
<br /></p> Sir Bingham Collarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06228571645088611942noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5016102073818424877.post-75757102373085231792009-03-08T12:57:00.000-07:002009-03-08T13:25:25.834-07:00Gambling<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9t-ceJR5LhIRDlZ70hoGm75ZS57e-Ok0ZIr_EHLW849w6OQX3H0m3bzjmSnPIvFhgZ_DiB2T0NSTgVHdZtDFcjMVvUkI-lGAfO4pLZ6LOGaH2oYwT70nHzHV42VBVTbPUD8NFcP5Om_yW/s1600-h/RetroGambling-1.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 250px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9t-ceJR5LhIRDlZ70hoGm75ZS57e-Ok0ZIr_EHLW849w6OQX3H0m3bzjmSnPIvFhgZ_DiB2T0NSTgVHdZtDFcjMVvUkI-lGAfO4pLZ6LOGaH2oYwT70nHzHV42VBVTbPUD8NFcP5Om_yW/s320/RetroGambling-1.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5310915447928604290" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);font-size:130%;" >I had the pleasure of attending the Carling Cup final at Wembley Stadium last week. Not to watch the football, naturally, but to show my support for the corporate entertainment industry at this difficult time. I did notice that one of the teams, Tottenham Hotspur, is sponsored by Mansion, which is a gambling company. The other team, Manchester Untied is sponsored by AIG, another gambling company and one which is now proudly owned by the American Taxpayer.<br />Gordon Brown himself made a trip to America to visit his ‘good friend’ Barak Obama and congratulate him on his new acquisition. I thought that Gordon’s speech to Congress went well for him as he had received nineteen standing ovations, and I said so to my nephew Harry, who works for the Labour Party. Harry was less impressed and explained that they had only applauded when Gordon said something nice about America. He says the same thing happens when a rock and roll band plays a concert and says that “</span><span style="font-style: italic; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);font-size:130%;" >insert name here</span><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);font-size:130%;" > is the best venue we’ve ever played!” This ruse is apparently enough to guarantee a big cheer. So well done to Gordon for being in touch enough to steal a trick from the popular music business!<br />The meeting with the President didn’t go quite as well with the President finding it difficult to remember who the rime Minister was, or why he was there. Downing Street have denied the rumour that Obama mixed Gordon up with the leader of the Scout Troop who he met on the same day. I must say I am a bit disappointed in the President – I mean, deep down we always knew that he knew and cared about the rest of the world little more than poor old George W. Bush but we thought that at least he would be able to fake an interest. We like phoney sincerity in Britain – that’s why we kept electing Tony Blair.<br /><br />I was pleased to hear Gordon use the phrase, “Let us build tomorrow, today!” To let you into a little secret , I suggested the phrase to one of my friends in the Labour Party when he approached me for some ideas. Actually, I stole it from an old exhibition I went to on a visit to America back in the fifties. Back then they thought that the world of tomorrow would involve moon bases and Jetson style flying cars rather than a new Depression but there you go.<br /><br />It wasn’t a very interesting trip, although I do remember visiting a lake called Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg in New England. Apparently, Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg, in the language of the Nipmuck People, means Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyll-llantysiliogogogoch.</span>Sir Bingham Collarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06228571645088611942noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5016102073818424877.post-61001231954829727502009-02-28T13:13:00.000-08:002009-02-28T13:34:56.001-08:00Business as Usual<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7cKg3dnCD1lKGp4SC27g5j54z_NKiiI8OaXt2hWoc9tW4dDuFWL2U4LpaObwVn0tebK9dUP0wkcUlURGNKQ9T_mkIe484AIYHvGIP8BT6bfBhtqZem9j04sOItkkCHrsuSCk0FPyD9LsR/s1600-h/young_tony_blair.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 308px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh7cKg3dnCD1lKGp4SC27g5j54z_NKiiI8OaXt2hWoc9tW4dDuFWL2U4LpaObwVn0tebK9dUP0wkcUlURGNKQ9T_mkIe484AIYHvGIP8BT6bfBhtqZem9j04sOItkkCHrsuSCk0FPyD9LsR/s320/young_tony_blair.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5307964594372231314" border="0" /></a>
<br /><meta equiv="CONTENT-TYPE" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"><title></title><meta name="GENERATOR" content="OpenOffice.org 2.4 (Win32)"><style type="text/css"> <!-- @page { size: 21cm 29.7cm; margin: 2cm } P { margin-bottom: 0.21cm } --> </style> <p style="margin-bottom: 0cm; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="font-size:130%;">It has been a reassuring week. I had been getting a bit worried about all that 'change' stuff in America, so I am relieved to see that when Barak Obama said 'troops out of Iraq in 16 months' he really meant '<a href="http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2009/feb/27/obama-iraq-war-end-august-2010">troops not really out of Iraq in 19 months</a>, just like John McCain would have done'. Politics is alive and well in the Land of the Free!</span></p><p style="margin-bottom: 0cm; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="font-size:130%;">
<br /></span></p><p style="margin-bottom: 0cm; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><meta equiv="CONTENT-TYPE" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"><title></title><meta name="GENERATOR" content="OpenOffice.org 2.4 (Win32)"><style type="text/css"> <!-- @page { size: 21cm 29.7cm; margin: 2cm } P { margin-bottom: 0.21cm } --> </style> </p><p style="margin-bottom: 0cm; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="font-size:130%;">There was also good news from Ireland, where robbers managed to find <a href="http://www.irishtimes.com/newspaper/breaking/2009/0228/breaking10.htm">a bank which still had some money</a> which they proceeded to steal. The British government is rushing to organise a fact-finding mission to see what lessons can be learned on behalf of Britain's criminal fraternity who are on their knees after the drugs and prostitution market collapsed along with the banking industry. Not that the bankers are being paid any less, of course. It is just that the few who are still bankers are having to stay in to avoid the angry mobs and the many more who are now employed as government ministers have to worry about the tabloids finding out. Which makes all the fuss about <a href="http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/7912651.stm">Fred Goodwin's pension</a> all the more unfair. I'd have thought that Gordon Brown would have thought £16 million was a small price to pay to get Fred out of RBS before he did any more damage to the economy – he was, by the estimation of a friend of mine who works for the treasury, costing the country around £3,000 per second, after all. Unfortunately for Fred he has committed the cardinal sin of the New Labour era – he has generated a bad headline for the government.
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<br /></span></p><p style="margin-bottom: 0cm; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><meta equiv="CONTENT-TYPE" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"><title></title><meta name="GENERATOR" content="OpenOffice.org 2.4 (Win32)"><style type="text/css"> <!-- @page { size: 21cm 29.7cm; margin: 2cm } P { margin-bottom: 0.21cm } --> </style> </p><p style="margin-bottom: 0cm; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="font-size:130%;">Amusingly, <a href="http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/4863196/Tony-Blair-sets-up-company-to-advise-world-leaders.html">Tony Blair has set up a consultancy</a> which will allow him to advise those governments who are willing to pay him lots of money as to how they should run their country. I am thinking of going into the market myself. For a mere £3000.00 per day, I will show you how to raise funds for your political party by selling government policy, honours, seats in the House of Lords and so on, how to use spurious evidence to drag your country into pointless wars and how to run your country's economy into the ground then get out before the shit hits the fan.</span></p> <p></p> <p></p> Sir Bingham Collarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06228571645088611942noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5016102073818424877.post-49457558078283937562009-02-22T07:10:00.000-08:002009-02-22T07:17:37.811-08:00Drunk in Charge<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpxRXM8A0C5jZWX6JjYbt5jK3hnyg_oLx5t3o1ueu99_e14q_dZsutwyd7ysgAS0Ae415C2dMXbu7EdAiNCZpF9RaJO4BQpstPU4eVAxd6dx_n6GHue4XyXienMR35LGD64YS3VOgXk_1u/s1600-h/stereotyping-scottish-drunk-demotivational-poster-1215971740.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 277px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpxRXM8A0C5jZWX6JjYbt5jK3hnyg_oLx5t3o1ueu99_e14q_dZsutwyd7ysgAS0Ae415C2dMXbu7EdAiNCZpF9RaJO4BQpstPU4eVAxd6dx_n6GHue4XyXienMR35LGD64YS3VOgXk_1u/s320/stereotyping-scottish-drunk-demotivational-poster-1215971740.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5305641079189532786" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);font-size:130%;" >There was more bad news for Gordon Brown today – Scotland has been named as having the world's eighth highest alcohol consumption. I'm told that Gordon is determined to act and intends to appoint an Alcohol Tsar to address the problem. He believes that with a little bit of hard work and focus will soon restore Scotland to number one! Now all he needs is to find someone in the Labour Party who is capable of organising a piss-up in a brewery.<br /><br />Earlier in the week I had been appalled to learn of the alleged fraud perpetrated by Sir Allen Stanford, who is accused of running one of those massive pyramid schemes, or Ponzi schemes as we are now obliged to call them as the media have decided that the American term is sexier than the old fashioned British one. Interestingly, the same thing happens with the code names given to military operations. The British version of Operation Iraqi Freedom was the obscure Operation Telic and when the Americans launched Operation Desert Storm, the British part of the liberation of Kuwait was called Operation Granby. I once asked an old military friend of mine who expained that this is because our army has been around for much longer than the American one so has used up all the good code names. The tradition was started by King Harold who named his defence of Hastings, rather unfortunately, 'Operation Keep Your Eyes Open'. The Battle didn't actually take place at Hastings, incidentally, but at the nearby town of Battle. Now what are the chances of that happening?<br /><br />Anyway back to the point, which is, if memory serves, Sir Allen Stanford. On the day the news broke, I was lunching with an old friend, Anthony, and I expressed my indiganation that this chap had sullied the Knighthood with his actions. Anthony tried to reassure me by explaining that Stanford doesn't have a proper Knighthood but rather one that he got from the government of Antigua and Barbuda in return for bankrolling most of the country. This did not make me any happier. I had to give the bloody Labour Party a fortune for my Knighthood – if I'd known I could have got a cheap one in the Caribbean I could have saved myself thousands, and worked on my tan at the same time! Stanford has not, of course, been convicted of anything illegal in America. We agreed, however, that he has already been found guilty of the worst of all crimes – trying to make cricket entertaining. One doesn't go to the cricket to have fun! No, one goes to spend the morning reading the paper, the afternoon slowly getting drunk and the evening sleeping it off. One doesn't want to be interrupted by the game!<br /><br />Earlier in the week, I noticed that Gordon Brown paid a visit to the Pope, and he will soon be going to visit Barak Obama to pass on the Papal advice. I have it on good authority that Gordon has been telling everyone that His Holiness spoke about Jesus casting the money-changers from the Temple, and how they were then gainfully employed by Pontius Pilate regulating the Judean financial system as it recovered from the mid-1st century economic downturn.</span>Sir Bingham Collarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06228571645088611942noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5016102073818424877.post-18946830024051209172009-02-15T04:20:00.000-08:002009-02-15T04:23:17.696-08:00Britain : Leading the World in Wild Oat Sowing!<meta equiv="CONTENT-TYPE" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"><title></title><meta name="GENERATOR" content="OpenOffice.org 2.4 (Win32)"><style type="text/css"> <!-- @page { size: 21cm 29.7cm; margin: 2cm } P { margin-bottom: 0.21cm } --> </style> <p style="margin-bottom: 0cm; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="font-size:130%;">The country has been scandalized by the story of a 13 year old boy who has <a href="http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/article5724616.ece">fathered a child</a> with his 15 year old girlfriend. When a reporter asked the young chap how he would manage financially he replied, “What's financially?” Gordon Brown has already sounded him out about taking over the Treasury once Alistair Darling finally gets the sack. The Children's Secretary, a man called Ed Balls (yes that is his real name – I double checked) expressed his concern by publicly vilifying the young couple and the local Social Services Department revealed that they would be providing intensive support – beginning by allowing the story to be plastered all over the papers. They will also be taking responsibility for putting the new father through intensive training for his new career appearing on daytime talk shows.</span></p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0cm; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="font-size:130%;">
<br /></span> </p><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);font-size:130%;" >This is a welcome new departure for the Government's job creation policy. After all, the wheels are starting to come off the plan for getting unemployable former bankers off the dole queue by giving them jobs in government. Sir James Crosby has had to leave his job at the FSA, on the grounds that running the Halifax into the ground didn't really qualify him for a job which involves stopping people from running their banks into the ground. If that wasn't bad enough Glen Moreno, who was overseeing the government's massive new shareholding in the nation's banks had to resign after it turned out that he'd spent most of his professional life helping rich people to dodge tax, Tom Daschele style. I am astonished that this took anyone by surprise – he was a banker, after all, so helping rich people to get richer was his job. </span> <p style="margin-bottom: 0cm; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="font-size:130%;">
<br /></span> </p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0cm; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="font-size:130%;">Meanwhile, the government's drugs adviser has said that ecstasy is less dangerous than riding a horse. This is true. My daughter Sally once rode a horse into a rave and banged her head! </span></p> Sir Bingham Collarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06228571645088611942noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5016102073818424877.post-66327874702811061062009-02-08T11:42:00.000-08:002009-02-08T12:40:50.957-08:00A Message from Above<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZs-S4xCHcCaW95YEd8eb4Ug1hjwnrDGxn6TDW-MNvfbLX8jHIODIL2PO37kQb_bOOAsd2q-qnOsU1uNn202rLU_5zLkFy3gJ5qZSYLAYTokGssNLo6GVs3UkL0mLrHGLL6R9rGkEhbEIw/s1600-h/pope.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 290px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZs-S4xCHcCaW95YEd8eb4Ug1hjwnrDGxn6TDW-MNvfbLX8jHIODIL2PO37kQb_bOOAsd2q-qnOsU1uNn202rLU_5zLkFy3gJ5qZSYLAYTokGssNLo6GVs3UkL0mLrHGLL6R9rGkEhbEIw/s320/pope.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5300516179002544626" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);font-size:130%;" >The Pope has got into trouble for de-excommunicating or re-communicating or whatever the right verb is, an English Bishop who is also a Holocaust denier and all round loon. The chap in question is called <a href="http://www.bild.de/BILD/news/bild-english/world-news/2009/02/04/bishop-williamson-holocaust-9-11-conspiracy-theories/why-did-pope-benedict-rehabilitate-this-madman.html">Richard Williamson</a> and, until this week, was virtually unknown in the UK, this being a country which now gets its religious instruction from the sides of London Buses. For this reason we were always spared from having to share in Tony Blair's religious 'journey' while he was Prime Minister. Now that he no longer has any ambition to do anything other than make money and be seen with famous people, he has been speaking at something called a '<a href="http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/london/7875457.stm">prayer breakfast</a>'. He even invited his good friend Barak Obama, presumably to tell him why invading Iraq was a good idea after all.<br /><br />The BBC has been having further presenter-related problems. Carol Thatcher, who had somehow got herself a job on a current affairs programme got herself sacked after she called an unidentified tennis player a 'golly-wog' and Jeremy Clarkson called the Prime Minister a '<a href="http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/top-stories/2009/02/06/jeremy-clarkson-one-eyed-scottish-idiot-video-watch-it-here-115875-21102297/">one-eyed Scottish idiot</a>'. He was forced to apologise after massive protests from the Royal Institute for the Idiotic whose members were deeply offended by the comparison to Gordon Brown.<br /><br />And, just to prove that some things never change, the England cricket team have been hammered by West Indies. The England and Wales Cricket Board, who are responsible for these things, have set a new precedent for decisive action by sacking the coach before the series even began. Good for them!</span>Sir Bingham Collarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06228571645088611942noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5016102073818424877.post-42608963465999717412009-01-31T10:30:00.000-08:002009-01-31T10:44:07.352-08:00Lordy Lordy!<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhldOXkq0m0il6s4_FDh1ZsD_HnAYVZCdTi8N1uTopynnrl9nr1UvIaGTnjRc3JSZ2MnPTxq6n-e-ekG4MBicvNtcnCTqAWEBmozEtd-rZgB4QvJNr3t3LfGto93l0mWSCYfrMuEeRNuiRA/s1600-h/lords.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 214px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhldOXkq0m0il6s4_FDh1ZsD_HnAYVZCdTi8N1uTopynnrl9nr1UvIaGTnjRc3JSZ2MnPTxq6n-e-ekG4MBicvNtcnCTqAWEBmozEtd-rZgB4QvJNr3t3LfGto93l0mWSCYfrMuEeRNuiRA/s320/lords.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5297530375266706850" border="0" /></a>
<br /><meta equiv="CONTENT-TYPE" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"><title></title><meta name="GENERATOR" content="OpenOffice.org 2.4 (Win32)"><style type="text/css"> <!-- @page { size: 21cm 29.7cm; margin: 2cm } P { margin-bottom: 0.21cm } --> </style> <p style="margin-bottom: 0cm; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="font-size:130%;">We have had an amusing new political scandal this week when several 'Lords' were recorded offering to change legislation for a fee. The criticism struck me as unfair. Now that the last three factories in Britain have closed and nobody wants our 'financial services,' as we still laughingly call our unrivalled expertise in crap money-making schemes, laws are the only thing we've got left to sell! </span></p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0cm; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="font-size:130%;">
<br /></span> </p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0cm; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="font-size:130%;">Meanwhile, the man who did such a good job of reforming our House of 'Lords' and who is now bringing that same expertise to bear on the Middle East peace process with equally impressive results has made a welcome return to the public eye. Yes, Tony Blair is back and he has been explaining how he is just like Barak Obama. The whole of America is praying that he is a wrong about this as he was about everything else. Tony has also been talking about his 'governance projects' in Sierra Leone and Rwanda which, presumably, seek to show the people of those countries why appointing corrupt legislators who will sell policy to the highest bidder is better than relying on boring old democracy to get things done.</span></p> Sir Bingham Collarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06228571645088611942noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5016102073818424877.post-85107353055456546642009-01-24T07:04:00.000-08:002009-01-24T07:30:31.021-08:00The Blame Game<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6NOZ2-Jqw-M5spTpzgkhCdfoNO_7e5XQ3nUox57KuCEBNTl3NKEqSpyDOnMiTBZOAHEMy6lHgZqcDhiUtsO5d00U_6Dacqn_6v6FBWkrEYH_9lM6ZfyjOdpgGAkVvtVmxsF62SM74A-n3/s1600-h/recession.gif"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 250px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg6NOZ2-Jqw-M5spTpzgkhCdfoNO_7e5XQ3nUox57KuCEBNTl3NKEqSpyDOnMiTBZOAHEMy6lHgZqcDhiUtsO5d00U_6Dacqn_6v6FBWkrEYH_9lM6ZfyjOdpgGAkVvtVmxsF62SM74A-n3/s320/recession.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5294878668695944674" border="0" /></a>
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<br /></p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0cm; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="font-size:130%;">The Government has been coming down hard on the Bankers this week. Gordon Brown has said how angry he is at poor old Freddie Goodwin who has carried the can for the collapse of Royal Bank of Scotland, and 'Lord' Paul Myners, who is minister for the City has been slagging off '<a href="http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/politics/article5576562.ece">grossly over-rewarded bankers</a>' for mismanaging their banks. Former grossly over-rewarded banker Paul, I am told, came to this view in consultation with his ministerial colleagues, former grossly over-rewarded banker Mervyn Davies and former grossly over-rewarded banker Baroness Vadera, so I think we can trust him. It all comes as the statistics say that we have officially sunk into recession and the pound is approaching parity with the Hungarian Forint on the international currency markets. </span></p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0cm; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="font-size:130%;">
<br /></span> </p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0cm; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="font-size:130%;">But we should not be downhearted, for our great nation still has much to be proud of. We lead the way in developing the New Economy, where the danger of rich bankers taking silly risks in search of massive bonuses is safely negated because the taxpayer covers all the money they lose, and where the terrible spectre of massed ranks of unemployed bankers queuing at the soup kitchen will concern us no more as they will all be employed as Government Ministers. My spies in Downing Street tell me that he has already been on the phone to Barak Obama to tell the new President all about his new model. Let's hope the new President follows the wise old Scotsman's advice, eh? </span></p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0cm; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="font-size:130%;">
<br /></span> </p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0cm; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="font-size:130%;">And that's not all. We have a rapidly growing burglary sector, our Jobcentres and benefit offices can hardly keep up with demand and we lead the world in natural breasts, thanks to the efforts of <a href="http://www.guardian.co.uk/film/filmblog/2009/jan/15/kate-winslet-oprah-winfrey">Kate Winslett and her magnificent hits</a>, Revolutionary Road and The Reader. My wife is a big fan of Kate's. She has followed that fine actress' career ever since she appeared in Sense and Sensibility. Lady Collar has always loved nineteenth century novels. I remember the days after we were married; she liked nothing better than to be tucked up in bed holding a little Hardy and she tells me that before we met she liked nothing better than getting stuck into Nicholas Nickleby or the Mayor of Casterbridge.</span></p><p style="margin-bottom: 0cm; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">
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<br /></span></p> Sir Bingham Collarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06228571645088611942noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5016102073818424877.post-70052348112606182642009-01-17T05:43:00.000-08:002009-01-17T05:52:14.720-08:00Planes, Trains and so on<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsmt-6Eq2fuZQWmlGufIzz6zrqYAoZg6Nf87NvS82sQ9jNU5-1Z3zfPEgIlC6hBU-_27F2T3O9UlHQK6-P1GvBs5h8fBDCwlnWmaNOzFo7YJ4he-4uSqpqWIchyxS87ALImJ2lWoU_08El/s1600-h/hudson+plane.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 243px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgsmt-6Eq2fuZQWmlGufIzz6zrqYAoZg6Nf87NvS82sQ9jNU5-1Z3zfPEgIlC6hBU-_27F2T3O9UlHQK6-P1GvBs5h8fBDCwlnWmaNOzFo7YJ4he-4uSqpqWIchyxS87ALImJ2lWoU_08El/s320/hudson+plane.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5292260053041680306" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);font-size:130%;" >There has been a bit of fuss about the Government's approval of the expansion of Heathrow Airport in the face of mass protests by concerned citizens. Polls suggest that almost eighty percent of British celebrities who live near London are opposed to the measure. The minister responsible for pushing through the plan is Geoff Hoon, who did such a good job of improving the transport network of Iraq back in 2003 when he was Secretary of State for Defence. In a startling change of policy for the Labour Party, Geoff has attacked the celebrities and suggested that as they probably fly quite a lot they might be being a bit disingenuous. Emma Thompson responded by saying “This is not a campaign against flying - we're trying to stop the expansion of Heathrow in the face of climate change.” (Translation, “i'll still be able to fly, silly, just not all of those nasty poor people with their flights to Ibiza and their air rage. There wasn't any climate change when it was only the rich who could fly, after all.”) I found the exchange most illuminating and I must say that, looking demure but sexy in a green Chanel tweeded muslin suit, Geoff cut a fine figure – surely he is one of the finest Transport Secretaries we have ever had!<br /><br />The problem of lack of capacity at our airports is one that taxes the finest minds in Britain. I suggested to an old friend of mine who currently has a reasonably well remunerated consultancy with the Civil Aviation Authority that we look at the latest idea from America, which involves landing in the middle of rivers. Apparently I had misunderstood a news story and the plane that landed in the Hudson River had actually crashed having been struck by geese. My friend told me about a rumour that the Department for Homeland Security had initially swung into action having received intelligence that one of the geese had a suspicious looking beard and that Koranic verses had been discovered in the glove compartment of the car left in long-term parking by three of the geese. Luckily the plan to deport all suspicious water fowl had not yet been announced when it was discovered that the 'Koranic verses' were in fact a menu from the local Bulgarian Kebab shop and the beard was a smudge on the CCTV screen so no harm was done!<br /><br />The big news of the next week has already been decided, of course. Barak Obama is on his way to Washington, cleverly sending out reassuring signals to right wingers by travelling to the capital to take up office by train, just as Benito Mussolini did in 1922. He will be greeted by an enormous cheering crowd, just like, well, Mussolini. Many things have been written about the President-Elect in the past twelve months but I bet he hasn't been compared to many Italian Fascist dictators. Let's hope he doesn't invade Abysinnia.</span>Sir Bingham Collarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06228571645088611942noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5016102073818424877.post-69150469813793580132009-01-11T13:02:00.000-08:002009-01-11T14:01:25.570-08:001950 here we come!<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5f36t4AgJFCWXVTnWBrwuB91zOL533zprlOWhYDTERXml9j6vz74B6fLTES_JNT9vdtLuKXNfNkySIA3KSQHUCfFYdseJFyOy7qlK3po-yo09OdssZBv96UE_cMKrgbyvmpM8VNbB7bjz/s1600-h/1947+Ford+Ad.JPG"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 303px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5f36t4AgJFCWXVTnWBrwuB91zOL533zprlOWhYDTERXml9j6vz74B6fLTES_JNT9vdtLuKXNfNkySIA3KSQHUCfFYdseJFyOy7qlK3po-yo09OdssZBv96UE_cMKrgbyvmpM8VNbB7bjz/s320/1947+Ford+Ad.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5290149282429650274" border="0" /></a>
<br /><meta equiv="CONTENT-TYPE" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"><title></title><meta name="GENERATOR" content="OpenOffice.org 2.4 (Win32)"><style type="text/css"> <!-- @page { size: 21cm 29.7cm; margin: 2cm } P { margin-bottom: 0.21cm } --> </style> <p style="margin-bottom: 0cm; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="font-size:130%;">It's been an interesting start to 1947, I mean 2009. We've had massive nationalization of large sections of the economy, Keynes is back in fashion, governments are printing money, no one can afford to heat their homes and the Israelis are fighting with the previous owners again, following the logic that there would be little point of corralling the entire population of southern Palestine into the tiny space of Gaza if you are just going to let them fire rockets at their former homes whenever they feel like it. The President-Elect of America has promised to sort it all out just as soon as he is inaugurated (translation: he doesn't know what to do and hopes to God that by then the Israelis will have finished so he won't have to decide.) The only aspect of the good old days that has been missing was an antediluvian racist outburst from a member of the Royal Family. Even Prince Philip had lapsed into the occasional unamusing aside about fat children. So thank goodness that Prince Harry is both stupid enough to use racist language about one of his mates and also stupid enough to video it, lose the video and then see it sold to the News of the World.Finally the world is as it is supposed to be!
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<br /></span> </p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0cm; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="font-size:130%;">Amusingly, the news has broken that Barbie was created by a sex-maniac called Jack Ryan. This has come as a surprise, although not to anyone who has ever seen one of them. Apparently Jack particularly enjoyed the fact that the woman who provided the voice of a line of talking Barbies was tall because it meant that he could bury his head in her breasts when he hugged her. I remember buying one of those for my little granddaughter – I always wondered why it kept threatening to sue me for sexual harassment.
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<br /></span></p> Sir Bingham Collarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06228571645088611942noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5016102073818424877.post-59145004513649161562009-01-01T08:22:00.001-08:002009-01-01T08:27:45.243-08:00Looking into my Crystal Balls - Predictions for 2009<span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);font-size:130%;" >Many people have asked me to provide my predictions for the year ahead. This isn't something I would normally do, the prediction industry being, in my opinion, a load of hokum. This is especially true of astrology - I am very skeptical. Typical Capricorn. However, I have given in to the demands so here you go.<br /><br />Barak Obama will publish his new book, “The Effrontery of Daydreams”. Hillary Clinton will release her own book, “Why the Secretary of State is more important than the President and other stories”. George Bush will publish his memoirs, “My Head Hurts – Global Leadership in the 21st Century”.<br /><br />England will win the Ashes. South Africans everywhere will shrug and mutter about two bald men fighting over a comb.<br /><br />John McCain will inaugurate the Failed Fighter Pilots of America Association and become its first President.<br /><br />Madonna’s post mid-life crisis will be ended by her shattered pelvis.<br /><br />Turkey will award Israel null points in the Eurovision Song Contest. Israel will retaliate by bombing the hell out of Ankara. The U.K. will come last in the Eurovision contest. Several people will be a bit upset.<br /><br />All of the remaining unemployed bankers in Britain and America will be given jobs advising their government s on how to resolve the economic crisis. All of their advice will involve borrowing stacks of money that we can’t afford to pay back.<br /><br />The Obama Presidency will be derailed by constant questions about whether Hillary Clinton’s effectiveness is being undermined by the revelations about Bill’s relationship with that intern at the State Department, the Washington correspondent of Al Jazeera and the Mexican girl who does the laundry. Hillary will blame a vast right-wing conspiracy even though there will be only 13 conservatives left in America.<br /><br />The England football team will win a few more games. The press will declare it the greatest football team of all time.<br /><br /></span>Sir Bingham Collarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06228571645088611942noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5016102073818424877.post-40443456452242168692008-12-31T04:38:00.000-08:002008-12-31T06:10:45.212-08:00Quotes of 2008<span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);font-size:large;" class="Apple-style-span" >Here is a little collection of my favourite quotes from 2008. I am fairly sure that I have remembered them correctly and that none of them happened in dreams but I can't guarentee it so don't expect to find any of them on Wikipedia. Then again...</span><div style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;"><br /></span></div><div style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;"> </span></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;">“Of course the UK economy will continue to grow this year. Those who say otherwise are guilty of talking us into a recession...oh, wait.” Gordon Brown.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;"> </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;">"The fundamentals of America's</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;"> economy are strong. Not like in my day – back then</span><span style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;">we had it tough. We used to have to get up out of the shoebox at twelve o'clock at night, and lick the road clean with our tongues. We had half a handful of freezing cold gravel, worked twenty-four hours a day at the mill for fourpence every six years, and when we got home, our Dad would slice us in two with a bread knife." John McCain</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;"><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">"You have to understand that I was completely strapped for cash" - Max Moseley</span><br /></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;"> </span></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;">“You can put lipstick on a pig but it’s tail will still not be uncurly” – John Major declaring his opposition to the first woman to stand for vice-chairperson of the Huntingdon Cricket Club</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;"> </span></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;">“Those who talk about the exchange rate are irresponsibly risking a run on the pound...oh wait.” Gordon Brown</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;"> </span></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;">“The country is groaning and moaning and screaming for change. </span><span style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;">Just like you would be after a night with me, baby” Bill Clinton telling the pretty girl in the front row why he endorses Barak Obama.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;"> </span></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;">“You can’t let Sarah Palin be Vice President. A good VP needs to be a strong, experienced character, especially when the President has little executive experience himself.</span><span style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;">I mean, George W Bush didn’t have much experience when he became President so he appointed Dick Cheney as his VP and look how well that worked out.” Joe Biden.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;"> </span></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;">"This is from the widows, the orphans, and those who were killed in Iraq. They had a whip-round and got you these for a surprisingly reasonable price" – Iraqi shoe-thrower Muntadhar al-Zeidi</span></p><p style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);" class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;">"You can put lipstick on a pig, as many of you lonely farmers have discovered" - Barak Obama on the stump in Alabama.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;"> </span></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;">“You know what </span><span style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;">they say about the difference between a hockey-mom and a pitbull – that’s right, a pitbull has more foreign policy experience” – Sarah Palin </span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;"> </span></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;">“I am proud to have been the Chancellor who abolished Boom and Bust…oh wait.”</span><span style=""><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;"> </span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;">Gordon Brown.</span></p></div>Sir Bingham Collarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06228571645088611942noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5016102073818424877.post-21088866350969478972008-12-18T12:55:00.000-08:002008-12-18T13:20:24.219-08:00All Nationalities Welcome....Especially Lapps and Poles<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRMLH9j4wsuP6vYvPYpJvM78J1Aw5nPfLgOWqG2ytI5G-URqv6eDd-q4QdWeJAEr47LtFppwTXg0-HmYKtaIIVnn-6vUjqtWJyuQzYSRvNL9Ucc4Gk-OOGzFP-v0auTDFxGKwmrN_qEhp0/s1600-h/pole+dancerjpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 283px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRMLH9j4wsuP6vYvPYpJvM78J1Aw5nPfLgOWqG2ytI5G-URqv6eDd-q4QdWeJAEr47LtFppwTXg0-HmYKtaIIVnn-6vUjqtWJyuQzYSRvNL9Ucc4Gk-OOGzFP-v0auTDFxGKwmrN_qEhp0/s320/pole+dancerjpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5281242993386491906" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);font-size:130%;" >I visited the allergy unit at my local hospital today to deliver a small donation. It is a cause that is dear to my heart as my own sister suffers from hayfever and diabetes. It is important to keep her spirits up, I think, so I buy her little presents. Nothing special, you know, just flowers and chocolate. She's a bit asthmatic as well – I suggested that she take up tennis, just for a bit of a wheeze.<br /><br />When I got home and read the paper I had a bit of a shock. The headline read, <a href="http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/3834139/Lapdancing-clubs-have-been-set-up-by-schools-minister-admits.html">“Lapdancing clubs have been set up by schools, minister admits.”</a> My first thought was that perhaps this was a welcome outburst of entrepreneurial spirit by the schools in question. Then I thought that perhaps it was a work experience project. I was outraged – haven't these people heard that banks all over the city have been sacking staff and cutting bonuses? Who the hell can afford lapdancers these days?<br /><br />To my relief, I discovered that I had misunderstood. It was merely a bit of disgracefully poor grammar and they meant that lapdancing clubs had been opened <span style="font-style: italic;">next to</span> schools. The poor use of English is something which angers me. Some people don't even know the difference between a colon and a comma. Those of us who had the benefit of a public school education and three years at Oxford know that a colon is used to inform the reader that what follows proves and explains, or simply enumerates elements of what is referred to before while a comma is when you are knocked unconscious for a long time after a bang on the head. </span>Sir Bingham Collarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06228571645088611942noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5016102073818424877.post-77011764864636817142008-12-14T12:57:00.000-08:002008-12-14T13:02:21.822-08:00Feathering the Nest<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrHvQ5if9wwAyolGNXgfh866CGOGnoEv63rudNtmW0K774DuPTpcBP7L08jr6pzD28ZSo5JplCiVGQvJVgyUL2neHYgXIIrVDtVafnzjSpBx5eYPfRDqUac277YS8WaXR1VLcEl8PNriy2/s1600-h/capone68sm.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 166px; height: 180px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrHvQ5if9wwAyolGNXgfh866CGOGnoEv63rudNtmW0K774DuPTpcBP7L08jr6pzD28ZSo5JplCiVGQvJVgyUL2neHYgXIIrVDtVafnzjSpBx5eYPfRDqUac277YS8WaXR1VLcEl8PNriy2/s320/capone68sm.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5279753771831409154" border="0" /></a>
<br /><meta equiv="CONTENT-TYPE" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"><title></title><meta name="GENERATOR" content="OpenOffice.org 2.4 (Win32)"><style type="text/css"> <!-- @page { size: 21cm 29.7cm; margin: 2cm } P { margin-bottom: 0.21cm } --> </style> <p style="margin-bottom: 0cm; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="font-size:130%;">There has been a welcome outbreak of entrepreneurship in the States A chap called Rod Blagojevich (pictured to the right) has shown commendable enterprise in these hard times by attempting to raise a bit of pocket money by selling off a seat in the Senate which used to belong to Barak Obama, who no longer needs it now that he is running the “Office of the President-Elect”. Incidentally, I understand that John McCain has got himself a new podium sign saying “Office of the President not-Elect” and Hillary Clinton has had one made up which says “Office of the <strike>President</strike>, <strike>Vice President</strike>, Secretary of State-Elect”. Some would say that Mr. Obama is being a bit presumptuous but President Bush seems to have lost interest in the whole running the country thing and has taken to playing dodge the shoe with his Iraqi friends. </span></p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0cm; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="font-size:130%;">
<br /></span></p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0cm; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="font-size:130%;">Anyway, Governor Blagojevich's inventiveness has not been appreciated as the Feds seem to think that flogging seats in the Senate is a bit crooked. Of course we in Britain banned the practice back in 1832, when John McCain was still having his first mid-life crisis. But what about the cash-for-honours affair? I hear you ask. Well, the difference was that instead of being paid for seats in the Upper House of Parliament, the Labour Party merely accepted loans which they won't ever pay back, it being 21<sup>st</sup> century Britain after all. </span></p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0cm; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="font-size:130%;">
<br /></span></p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0cm; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="font-size:130%;">The whole Chicago episode might even cause problems for the President-Elect himself, as Blagojevich had been having conversations with Barak's chief of staff, a man called Rahm Edwards. And what a fine job Rahm's parents did in naming him. Impressive imagination. </span></p> Sir Bingham Collarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06228571645088611942noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5016102073818424877.post-61696586301691306712008-12-13T08:47:00.000-08:002008-12-13T09:02:00.425-08:00Save the Cheerleader.....<meta equiv="CONTENT-TYPE" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"><title></title><meta name="GENERATOR" content="OpenOffice.org 2.4 (Win32)"><style type="text/css"> <!-- @page { size: 21cm 29.7cm; margin: 2cm } P { margin-bottom: 0.21cm } --> </style> <p style="margin-bottom: 0cm; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="font-size:130%;">Gordon was generally deemed to have made a bit of a fool of himself when he claimed in the House of Commons that he had '<a href="http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=7iPaiylUYW0">saved the world</a>' no less. The story was that this had been a slip of the tongue - he had meant to say that he had saved the banking system. However, my sources tell me that he actually meant it. Indeed, if you listen very carefully to the recording you can hear him say, 'we not only saved the world, we also saved the cheerleader!' Alert readers will remember George W Bush's college cheerleading days. A coincidence? I think not!</span></p><p style="margin-bottom: 0cm; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="font-size:130%;">
<br /></span></p><p style="margin-bottom: 0cm; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><meta equiv="CONTENT-TYPE" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"><title></title><meta name="GENERATOR" content="OpenOffice.org 2.4 (Win32)"><style type="text/css"> <!-- @page { size: 21cm 29.7cm; margin: 2cm } P { margin-bottom: 0.21cm } --> </style> </p><p style="margin-bottom: 0cm; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="font-size:130%;">Gordon's global leadership has been accepted even in Germany, from where the <a href="http://business.timesonline.co.uk/tol/business/economics/article5322938.ece">last few pockets of resistance</a> to the Era of Gordon have been pursuing their quixotic campaign to convince us that spending trillions of borrowed money that we don't have might not be the best idea. <a href="http://business.timesonline.co.uk/tol/business/economics/article5331611.ece">The Germans have agreed to sign up to Gordon's Single European Financial Stimulus Plan</a>. I am not sure they have quite got the hang of saving the planet, though. They are insisting on spending money that they actually have rather than borrowing money that they can't afford to pay back. Oh well, they'll soon learn.</span></p> <p></p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0cm; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="font-size:130%;">
<br /></span></p><p style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><meta equiv="CONTENT-TYPE" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"><title></title><meta name="GENERATOR" content="OpenOffice.org 2.4 (Win32)"><style type="text/css"> <!-- @page { size: 21cm 29.7cm; margin: 2cm } P { margin-bottom: 0.21cm } --> </style> </p><p style="margin-bottom: 0cm; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="font-size:130%;">Luckily, <a href="http://www.guardian.co.uk/business/2008/dec/13/automotive-industry-us-economy1">George Bush</a> </span><style type="text/css"> <!-- @page { size: 21cm 29.7cm; margin: 2cm } P { margin-bottom: 0.21cm } --></style><span style="font-size:130%;">seems to have got the right idea and is now preparing to start throwing money at the American automobile industry. This is in answer to <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2008/12/08/us/08pray.html">prayers said in churches across that great nation for divine intervention to save the big car makers</a>. A correspondent of mine wrote to me this week about a moving sermon he had heard in which the pastor reminded his flock of that Bible passage in which Our Lord cast the moneychangers from the Temple, after which they were given cushy jobs in Pilate's administration and had considerable success in reconstructing the Jerusalem camel trading industry upon which so many Judean jobs depended.</span></p><p style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
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<br /></p> <p></p> Sir Bingham Collarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06228571645088611942noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5016102073818424877.post-9764388151126732502008-12-07T09:33:00.000-08:002008-12-07T09:42:17.885-08:00Oh God!<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiU_69DORfNYk4oCBBq2f7o11HpXdHg5VqVzJquxRlN0XXIMV0F-vWsW1Xmmalxtd9ThNpdbRdgI6QJVOKgIeAZSf3MZYIY0L2pdJE5cnrDey2IMNX2TnWzWD2ZEruoSnOBUB6FnXiB1PEj/s1600-h/purity.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 288px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiU_69DORfNYk4oCBBq2f7o11HpXdHg5VqVzJquxRlN0XXIMV0F-vWsW1Xmmalxtd9ThNpdbRdgI6QJVOKgIeAZSf3MZYIY0L2pdJE5cnrDey2IMNX2TnWzWD2ZEruoSnOBUB6FnXiB1PEj/s320/purity.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5277104602649870354" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="color: rgb(0, 0, 0);font-size:130%;" >I read a story this week about a little 12 year old girl in Devon who got into trouble with her school for insisting on wearing a purity ring. Apparently this isn't a euphemism but rather something that young people sometimes wear to symbolize their commitment to abstain from sex. The girl, or rather her parents, think that this amounts to religious discrimination. You remember that bit from the Sermon on the Mount (and I make no apologies for using the King James Version). It comes just after that bit about the meek.<br /><br />“And Blessed is she who dost wait for the One and who gaineth the approval of her father and doth marry before lying with a man, and who doth symbolize her commitment by purchasing a ring which doth look great and which can be purchasethd online for a reasonable price”<br /><br />The school refused on health and safety grounds, citing the many ring injuries suffered in Devon every year. Ironically, none of these were caused by abstinence.<br /><br />My own religious beliefs are old fashioned Church of England. During my political career, of course, I always managed to keep my religious beliefs to myself, never allowing exhortations to love thy neighbour to interfere with completing the latest arms deal or cutting unemployment benefits. Only once did I have doubts – I dabbled with Atheism back in the Sixties. Sadly, my faith just wasn't strong enough and I soon lapsed. Even now I can't quite bring myself to believe that Richard Dawkins really exists. Luckily, today's politicians have more faith than I did, which is why they can keep a straight face when they suggest that the way to fix a recession brought about by reckless borrowing to buy things we couldn't afford is to encourage everyone to buy things they can't afford with money that they have borrowed recklessly. It makes me giggle every time. And that is why I am not Prime Minister and Gordon Brown is!</span>Sir Bingham Collarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06228571645088611942noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5016102073818424877.post-71710815332295695842008-11-30T11:36:00.000-08:002009-01-24T07:35:53.133-08:00Let the Good Times Roll!<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEic5osM3Re6EeTQSHDya6mfUbA9-hDoMwCUE9FxPnMJCCwcjHzvpQGhD-vSEWMXiBCpIgQwZBgcncQtMjZh6qubHLHBzxljK0xceUJrd-OA3vxanSXVCZqTVYY3cHqDNpdMQdfAdoodShg0/s1600-h/ChinaFlag.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 213px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEic5osM3Re6EeTQSHDya6mfUbA9-hDoMwCUE9FxPnMJCCwcjHzvpQGhD-vSEWMXiBCpIgQwZBgcncQtMjZh6qubHLHBzxljK0xceUJrd-OA3vxanSXVCZqTVYY3cHqDNpdMQdfAdoodShg0/s320/ChinaFlag.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5274539345677638642" border="0" /></a>
<br /><meta equiv="CONTENT-TYPE" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"><title></title><meta name="GENERATOR" content="OpenOffice.org 2.4 (Win32)"><style type="text/css"> <!-- @page { size: 21cm 29.7cm; margin: 2cm } P { margin-bottom: 0.21cm } --> </style> <p style="margin-bottom: 0cm; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="font-size:130%;">Up in space, NASA have made yet another invaluable contribution to the future of humanity by inventing a system for <a href="http://www.nytimes.com/2008/12/01/science/space/01shuttle.html?hp">recycling urine into drinking water</a>. And what a fine use of public money, even at this time of great austerity. Previously if I wanted to drink my own piss they'd have called for the men in white coats. It is certainly an improvement on blowing it out the airlock.</span></p><p style="margin-bottom: 0cm; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><meta equiv="CONTENT-TYPE" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"><title></title><meta name="GENERATOR" content="OpenOffice.org 2.4 (Win32)"><style type="text/css"> <!-- @page { size: 21cm 29.7cm; margin: 2cm } P { margin-bottom: 0.21cm } --> </style> </p><p style="margin-bottom: 0cm; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="font-size:130%;">I understand that the fight against obesity may be close to a breakthrough. My young niece tells me that scientists are working on a supplement which will trick the body into creating <a href="http://topnews.us/content/2371-appetite-suppressing-hormones-could-fight-obesity">a hormone that will suppress appetite</a>. This is certainly an improvement on the Gordon Brown / George Bush approach to the obesity epidemic which is to destroy the economy to the point where we have to reintroduce rationing and round the clock soup kitchens.
<br /></span></p><meta equiv="CONTENT-TYPE" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"><title></title><meta name="GENERATOR" content="OpenOffice.org 2.4 (Win32)"><style type="text/css"> <!-- @page { size: 21cm 29.7cm; margin: 2cm } P { margin-bottom: 0.21cm } --> </style> <p style="margin-bottom: 0cm; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="font-size:130%;">On that theme, many of us have been reassured by young Barak Obama's appointments to his new cabinet. We had feared that he might fall into the trap of bringing in new faces with original thinking just because they might know what they are doing. We shouldn't have worried – he is instead following Gordon Brown's lead by packing government with as many of the people responsible for the economic crisis as possible. Quite right too. They can't be trusted to run loose. Who knows what damage they might do?</span></p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0cm; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="font-size:130%;"><a href="http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/11/30/AR2008113000773.html">The Chinese, meanwhile, are getting worried</a>. I had the great pleasure to share lunch with an old business acquaintance yesterday and he explained how the Chinese economy works. It seems that they've been telling their people to invest the pittance they earn for working fifteen hours a day in a sweatshop in bonds which are issued by American banks which was then used to lend money to Americans and Europeans who can't pay it back so that they can use it to buy cheep stuff that they don't need and which is made by those same Chinese sweat-shop employees. I know, it is impossible to see the flaw in this plan but apparently it is not going so well now that no one in the West can afford to pay back their loans. So you can see that it is even more important than you thought that you go out and spend as much money as you can like the government wants you too. So spend, spend ,spend! The future of the world depends on it!</span></p><p style="margin-bottom: 0cm; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="font-size:130%;">
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<br /></p> <p></p> Sir Bingham Collarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06228571645088611942noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5016102073818424877.post-73257419241863183602008-11-25T13:30:00.000-08:002008-11-25T13:34:52.197-08:00Darling to the Rescue<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9ANwCEDH_W9luAxAqUhd7aWADTFcXGD-TqKfd4jsjEgFfx-qDzphgUPEfIvKDzv1dkSXc_z5HVATG6a-Q4o9x5LyQHfWaVPIgcNZP-8lftQggpEUx_p6d2GMsjTXm3olnO8l1Zwk9T7BQ/s1600-h/alistair-darling2.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5272711369960370226" style="FLOAT: right; MARGIN: 0px 0px 10px 10px; WIDTH: 319px; CURSOR: hand; HEIGHT: 320px" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9ANwCEDH_W9luAxAqUhd7aWADTFcXGD-TqKfd4jsjEgFfx-qDzphgUPEfIvKDzv1dkSXc_z5HVATG6a-Q4o9x5LyQHfWaVPIgcNZP-8lftQggpEUx_p6d2GMsjTXm3olnO8l1Zwk9T7BQ/s320/alistair-darling2.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><div><span style="font-size:130%;color:#000000;">I had lunch today with Toby, an old friend who works for one of the investment banks in the City and who is well connected with the Treasury. I wanted to pick his brain about <a href="http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/7746638.stm">Alistair Darling's newly announced prescription </a>for the ailing British economy ie. Borrow a fortune and hope that everything will be all right.<br /><br />'The main thing,' he told me, 'is to protect the irresponsible lending industry which has made Great Britain what it is today. The Government must take the lead before it is too late! I mean, how will anyone afford a new BMW if they can't borrow the money against the value of their home? They can't all have an accident at work and sue their employer!'<br /><br />I asked him just how much he thought the Government would end up borrowing. He wasn't sure but he thought it was roughly equal to around three quarters of the entire economic output of the planet. I suggested that this sounded like rather a lot. 'That's nothing', he said, 'the American will soon owe about four times the entire economic output of the solar system. Apparently they are having to invent a new number to express it.'<br /><br />There was just one thing I didn't understand, however. Who are we actually borrowing all this money from? Toby wasn't certain. 'The Chinese, I think. Probably.' But doesn't this put the Chinese in rather a powerful position? 'Only if we pay it back' he said with a smile. </span></div>Sir Bingham Collarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06228571645088611942noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5016102073818424877.post-40216154130914555992008-11-23T09:46:00.000-08:002008-11-23T10:02:36.861-08:00Come Dancing<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEir366d0N7OvHFaYH0-7wgPB2_y4s082F6PVvAZxU2iFf-Lglb9lJdrJ4lbPspiIwi5g9Dvt70pY4JqV0tg7MdUPKqg4mhSIL88CIiAsWxEgHlCgS9UENfROxa-zcYz5IFHj5Y6UOEdHqhs/s1600-h/john+sargeant.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 248px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEir366d0N7OvHFaYH0-7wgPB2_y4s082F6PVvAZxU2iFf-Lglb9lJdrJ4lbPspiIwi5g9Dvt70pY4JqV0tg7MdUPKqg4mhSIL88CIiAsWxEgHlCgS9UENfROxa-zcYz5IFHj5Y6UOEdHqhs/s320/john+sargeant.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5271912859053667858" border="0" /></a>
<br /><meta equiv="CONTENT-TYPE" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"><title></title><meta name="GENERATOR" content="OpenOffice.org 2.4 (Win32)"><style type="text/css"> <!-- @page { size: 21cm 29.7cm; margin: 2cm } P { margin-bottom: 0.21cm } --> </style> <p style="margin-bottom: 0cm; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="font-size:130%;">Britain was rocked this week by the scandal involving the continued participation of <a href="http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/7737447.stm">John Sargeant in the celebrity ballroom show Strictly Come Dancing</a>. John is a hopeless dancer but the viewing public, who are now chronically and in my view very healthily unable to take telephone votes seriously, kept voting for him to continue in the show. His competitors complained, suggesting that the show was all about the dancing (which is why they hired a bunch of b-list celebs instead of actual dancers) and John was forced to fall on his sword. The whole episode brought back bad memories for yours truly. Yes, a similar thing happened to me back in the 50s when I was disqualified from the National Hokey-Cokey championship for putting it in when I should have been shaking it all about.
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<br /></span></p><p style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><meta equiv="CONTENT-TYPE" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"><title></title><meta name="GENERATOR" content="OpenOffice.org 2.4 (Win32)"><style type="text/css"> <!-- @page { size: 21cm 29.7cm; margin: 2cm } P { margin-bottom: 0.21cm } --> </style> </p><p style="margin-bottom: 0cm; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="font-size:130%;">Further down the news schedules, naturally, I have noticed numerous government ministers, Labour Party backbenchers and various apologists have been working hard to rechristen the dog's breakfast that used to be the British economy 'the global financial crisis which started in America.' This is known in the trade as the 'I never done nuffink, honest' defence (it is similar to the 'A bigger boy made me do it' defence which they used after the Iraq war went pear shaped), and it is popular amongst governments of all stripes because it lets you blame the Americans for everything. For the millionth time I find myself thankful that the government no longer employs spin since Honest Gordon took over.
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<br /></span></p><p style="margin-bottom: 0cm; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span style="font-size:130%;">Gordon has been accusing the Tories of '<a href="http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/politics/article5218052.ece">lacking compassion</a>' for pointing out that it might not be wise to respond to a crisis caused by irresponsible borrowing with a massive splurge paid for with irresponsible borrowing, as someone might ask for it to be paid back. I have a great deal of sympathy for Gordon's view. My own family has suffered quite severely recently thanks to some dubious investments and I shall be attempting to cheer them up by buying them fabulously extravagant Christmas presents. I can't afford this, obviously, but I have solved this problem - I have already stolen their credit card details and that will easily cover the cost!</span></p> <p style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></p> <p></p> Sir Bingham Collarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06228571645088611942noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5016102073818424877.post-48061558366716885232008-11-16T09:13:00.000-08:002009-01-24T07:39:42.839-08:00Polling<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzl61U0iS4whLkGyCcXr5nSGEV5geGgUYJxQnBVeO1sca3gjkn11sXiq9VihBZaTr0pNzNWwbji1qa7dEsmyHGMWmy_qcVNaA-SgGKzicPwA2i1bl5Tqid2Ndr-zDGmmMYAC_dGq_0fAhr/s1600-h/lib+dem.gif"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 177px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzl61U0iS4whLkGyCcXr5nSGEV5geGgUYJxQnBVeO1sca3gjkn11sXiq9VihBZaTr0pNzNWwbji1qa7dEsmyHGMWmy_qcVNaA-SgGKzicPwA2i1bl5Tqid2Ndr-zDGmmMYAC_dGq_0fAhr/s320/lib+dem.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5269307484900932450" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><p style="margin-bottom: 0cm; font-style: normal; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);">T<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;">he financial crisis is causing problems for the organizers of the London 2012 Olympics who fear that they may have to scale back on their plans. I was speaking yesterday with one of Boris Johnson's advisers about some of the cost-cutting schemes that are being considered. Shockingly, they are even contemplating changes to the events themselves. The Boxing will now include all other forms of packaging. On the same theme we will be stockpiling decommissioned barbed wire from Guantanamo Bay once it has been closed to be used in the Fencing. And the athletics will now climax with Underarm Javelin. He also passed on a bit of gossip about the British women's Badminton champion. He says that she has had a difficult year – it has been all shuttle and no fun at all.</span></p><p style="margin-bottom: 0cm; font-style: normal; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;">Meanwhile, I visited one of our local Territorial Army bases earlier in the week to mark Armistice Day. While I was there, I met a young female soldier. Now you may think that this would be a problem for an old traditionalist like me, but you would be wrong. Back in the last war, I served with several admirable women officers when I was being trained to handle bazookas. So are meeting went very well, despite one small misunderstanding when she misheard something I said while I was reminiscing about my wartime experiences. All was well, however, when I explained that I had said V.</span><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;">E</span></i><span style="font-style: normal;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;">!</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;"><br /></span></p><p style="margin-bottom: 0cm; font-style: normal; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;"><br /></span></p><p style="margin-bottom: 0cm; color: rgb(0, 0, 0);"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;">I had a little shock this week when I discovered that my Personal Assistant Jemima has joined the Liberal Democrats and has been helping out with in local constituency ahead of an upcoming by-election. It is a strong Tory area, of course, so there is little hope of making an impact; indeed she says that she and the elderly prospective candidate have been doing a lot of polling together and that he expects to lose his deposit!</span></p> <p></p>Sir Bingham Collarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06228571645088611942noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5016102073818424877.post-85194962992294302822008-11-09T10:15:00.000-08:002008-11-09T10:18:48.755-08:00Onwards to the Future!!<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZlqCQwewjHCZP7zbZGI1tN-3H8JfEkGR5Kc-rIW0A-abg3N0F27AdbjYcb7pxlx2FYIrsFdvCm6KyNAa5lCATJCpiFcRVnlxR1RpnZm5mFKyCcfZHhXB4mS-vB-qqVlnDSWONXCEKq67I/s1600-h/flags.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 203px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZlqCQwewjHCZP7zbZGI1tN-3H8JfEkGR5Kc-rIW0A-abg3N0F27AdbjYcb7pxlx2FYIrsFdvCm6KyNAa5lCATJCpiFcRVnlxR1RpnZm5mFKyCcfZHhXB4mS-vB-qqVlnDSWONXCEKq67I/s320/flags.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5266723456347358434" /></a><br /><p><span style="color:#000000;"> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;">Well, with Barak Obama’s Presidency of the United States in sight, I’m pleased to see that he is getting down to business. He is already putting into practice his first scheme to raise funds with which to fill the hole in the public finances. He has gone into business as a flag salesman albeit with a fairly limited range – you can see some of them in the picture to the right.</span></span></p> <p><span style="color:#000000;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;">The race is already on for a share of the spoils. I shared a train carriage yesterday with a Democratic Party official with whom I am acquainted and I took the opportunity to ask which names I should be looking out for. It seems that another old acquaintance of mine, </span></span><a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lawrence_Summers#Controversies" target="_blank"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;">Laurence Summers</span></a><span style="color:#000000;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;">, is in line for the job of Treasury Secretary. I remember sharing several enjoyable evenings with Laurence, and Lady Collar of course, back when I was advising the government of the day on waste disposal policy, engaging in some blue skies thinking over dinner as to how to deal with the growing rubbish mountain. On one occasion I’m afraid I had rather too much Port and opined that we should send all our garbage to the Third World! It’s funny the things you say, isn’t it. A little later, when Lady Collar had gone to bed, I shared with him my grandfather’s theory, from the days when he lead the brave fight against those dangerous extremists in the Suffragettes, that the real reason why woman did not appear in positions of power and influence was because they didn’t work as hard as men and because they weren’t very good at arithmetic and so forth. How we laughed! I often wonder why he lost his position as President of Harvard but it seems that the University’s loss will be America’s gain!</span></span></p> <p><span style="color:#000000;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:large;">Laurence has served his country before, of course, as one of Clinton’s Treasury Secretaries. I’m pleased to see that, like Her Majesty’s government, Barak Obama can see that the way to get out of the financial crisis is to employ as many as possible of the people who got us into it. In this spirit, he is also considering employing Timothy Geithner, who is the current head of the New York Federal Reserve bank and who helped to dream up the idea of giving the banks $700 billion to pay to themselves as bonuses. Some have argued that appointing Geithner would be failing to deliver change. This is nonsense. Geithner will have changed from a very rich banker into a very rich government minister. What more can you ask?</span></span></p>Sir Bingham Collarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06228571645088611942noreply@blogger.com0